Saturday, July 31, 2004

The Valedictorian of Vietnam 


I can't bring myself to fisk the entire Kerryspeech; it was a puerile collection of smears, half-truths, whole falsehoods, lies-by-omission and focus-grouped pablum. But, as a public service, I'll take it more seriously than the candidate did and examine some passages from our Bunny-Suitor's soliloquy:

I'm John Kerry and I'm reporting for duty. Then bend over and cough, sailor. And you're late.

We are here tonight because we love our country. France.

A great American novelist wrote that you can't go home again. Hunter Thompson. Something about a warrant.

My mother was the rock of our family as so many mothers are. She was my den mother when I was a Cub Scout... until the N.J. Supreme Court said we had to go camping with a gay militant troop-leader.

She taught me to see trees as the cathedrals of nature. What does that make termites...heretics?

...she showed me that we can and must finish the march toward full equality for all women in our country. If men get any more equal, our penises will fall off. Say; I think you dropped something there, John.

My dad did the things that a boy remembers. When I was a young man, he was in the State Department, stationed in Berlin when it and the world were divided between democracy and communism. I have unforgettable memories of being a kid mesmerized by the British, French, and American troops, each of them guarding their own part of the city, and Russians standing guard on the stark line separating East from West. "...and thinking 'Should I root for the French --or the Russians?'"

On one occasion, I rode my bike into Soviet East Berlin. Hmm...we never did catch the Rosenbergs' courier, did we?

It was the beginning of a great journey - a time to march for civil rights, for voting rights, for the environment, for women, and for peace. Which soon turned into race preferences, vote fraud, tree-worship, 40 million aborted babies & the Killing Fields.

We believed we could change the world. If not our underwear.

But we're not finished. Don't threaten me.

I ask you to judge me by my record: "...which I will now attempt to obscure."

As a young prosecutor, I fought for victim's rights and made prosecuting violence against women a priority. When I came to the Senate... Whoa there, Skippy; what happened to the medal-throwing phase of your career? You must remember; testifying dishonestly against your fellow servicemen? Holding private negotiations during wartime with the Viet Cong while still a reserve officer...and in Paris? Any of this ringing a bell?

Or how 'bout serving as Mike Dukakis' Lt. Governor and supporting his "Week-ends With Willie" furlough program? And that dynamic Senate record? A bridge re-named for every five years of service!

I reached across the aisle to work with John McCain, to find the truth about our POW's and make sure it never saw the light of day.

...and to finally make peace with Vietnam. make money with Vietnam, you mean. Your family's contract was almost a billion dollars.

I will be a commander in chief who will never mislead us into war. How do you feel about misleading us out of war?

I will have a Vice President who will not conduct secret meetings with polluters to rewrite our environmental laws. You mean the polluters who provided the electricity for the convention?

I will have a Secretary of Defense who will listen to the best advice of our military leaders. Who; Gen. Maginot? Sorry...that's not fair. To Maginot, a patriot whose plans were thwarted by French Socialists. Deja' vu!

And I will appoint an Attorney General who actually upholds the Constitution... Ramsey Clark has lots of free time on his antennas.

My fellow Americans, this is the most important election of our lifetime. That may be true. But since you said it, I'll have to reconsider.

We are a nation at war - a global war on terror against an enemy unlike any we have ever known before. And here at home, wages are falling, health care... That's it? You say 'unlike anything we've ever known'...and jump right into school uniforms & tax credits? You're not serious.

I accept your nomination for President of the United States. The suspense was killing me.

...at my side will be a running mate whose life is the story of the American dream... 'Something for Nothing'?

This son of a mill worker is ready to lead... after a lifetime of following ambulances. And it's prounounced 'Me-ill', as in : "Me ill; sue me somebody, Whiplash!"

Americans will be proud to have a fighter for the middle class to succeed Dick Cheney
Vice-President Cheney made his money honestly. Edwards is a trial lawyer.

And what can I say about Teresa? Only what she will permit you to say; usually "Yes, Mother."

She has the strongest moral compass of anyone I know. Always pointing true North.


I am accompanied by an extraordinary band of brothers... Yes, and they're called Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

Our band of brothers doesn't march together because of who we are as veterans, but because of what we learned as soldiers. You were sailors. Or did 'soldiers' focus-group better?

Remember the hours after September 11th, when we came together as one to answer the attack against our homeland? Remember how few hours it took you to get over that feeling?

Now I know there are those who criticize me for seeing complexities - and I do - because some issues just aren't all that simple. When someone sees nothing but complexity, he's hiding from clarity. For complex reasons, clearly.

Saying there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't make it so. So you take it back now?

Saying we can fight a war on the cheap doesn't make it so. So you'll fund the military now?

And proclaiming mission accomplished certainly doesn't make it so. The sailors on that ship had completed their mission. But what would you know of sailors, soldier?

As President, I will ask hard questions and demand hard evidence. And never take hard actions.

I will immediately reform the intelligence system - so policy is guided by facts, and facts are never distorted by politics. Like the 'facts' in that sentence?

...the United States of America never goes to war because we want to, we only go to war because we have to. Because we insisted on sticking our heads in the sand, we were forced to fight. We damn sure don't need an Ostrich-in-Chief to lead us back into the Promised Sand.

I know what kids go through when they are carrying an M-16 in a dangerous place and they can't tell friend from foe. There's a word for 'failing to distinguish friend from foe'...your career.

The Valedictorian of Vietnam 

(PT. II)
I will wage this war with the lessons I learned in war. Fight like hell for four months...and then join the other side?

Before you go to battle, you have to be able to look a parent in the eye and truthfully say: "I tried everything possible to avoid sending your son or daughter into harm's way. But we had no choice. We had to protect the American people, fundamental American values from a threat that was real and imminent. Imminent is too late.

So lesson one, this is the only justification for going to war. Lesson two: forget lesson one. We had two dozen reasons for going to Iraq, each one good--and better than the last.

And on my first day in office, I will send a message to every man and woman in our armed forces: "You're all war criminals. Surrender Now!"

You will never be asked to fight a war without a plan to win the peace. George Washington didn't have a plan to win the peace when he began fighting.
Nor did Andy Jackson.
Nor Lincoln.
Ditto FDR.
But, then, what did they know?

I know what we have to do in Iraq...bring our allies to our side and share the burden, reduce the cost to American taxpayers, and reduce the risk to American soldiers. Or, instead, we could let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.

Just a thought.

I defended this country as a young man... and since, barely.

Any attack will be met with a swift and certain response. Waiting for another attack will only make another attack certain.

I will never give any nation or international institution a veto over our national security. "I would however, demand perfect intelligence, a perfect plan to win the peace, a perfect exit strategy, perfect funding, perfect weather, that all our "allies" be on board, that the UN pass 17 resolutions over a dozen years, that the Congress authorize it--twice, that prisoners be given lawyers and never interrogated, that lawyers pre-approve every target and investigate each action afterwards, there be absolutely no civilian deaths or property damage, that the Times give me permission...and, of course, the moon must be in the 7th house and Jupiter aligned with Mars."

"If these few simple pre-conditions are met, I will begin the process that could lead to thinking about considering it. Maybe."

"But un veto? Non!"

We will add 40,000 active duty troops - not in Iraq, but to strengthen American forces that are now overstretched, overextended, and under pressure. huh...never bothered you before.

And we will end the backdoor draft of National Guard and reservists. Define 'reservist'.

We need to lead a global effort against nuclear proliferation. Libya hears you, John.

We need a strong military and we need to lead strong alliances. Why say 'strong' when you mean 'France & Germany'?

And then, with confidence and determination, we will be able to tell the terrorists: You will lose and we will win. "Then"--and only then? Why would we let those 'strong alliances' be the predicate for our determination and confrontation of the terrorists?

John, you could put on your bunny-suit, take a briefcase full of hundreds over to the French Embassy and sing ''La Marseillaise'' at the top of your foreheads while swallowing snails live on CNN...and the French would still regard America as the enemy.

...after taking the money, naturellement!

Today, our national security begins with homeland security. No, no, no, no & NO! It ends with Homeland Security. It begins with making our enemies insecure in their own homes.

As President, I will not evade or equivocate; "...with one caveat..."

...we shouldn't be opening firehouses in Baghdad and closing them down in the United States of America. You're never going to win that open board seat on the Baghdad Fire-Protection District with that kind of attitude.

And tonight, we have an important message for those who question the patriotism of Americans who offer a better direction for our country. Before wrapping themselves in the flag and shutting their eyes and ears to the truth, they should remember what America is really all about. Marrying heiresses.

Our purpose now is to reclaim democracy itself. Re-name, you mean.

We are here to affirm that when Americans stand up and speak their minds and say America can do better, that is not a challenge to patriotism; it is the heart and soul of patriotism. You see that flag up there. We call her Old Glory. The stars and stripes forever. I fought under that flag, as did so many of you here and all across our country. That flag flew from the gun turret right behind my head. It was shot through and through and tattered, but it never ceased to wave in the wind. I knew Johnny Cash and you, sir, are no Johnny Cash. Johnny Rotten perhaps--but not Mr. Cash.

For us, that flag is the most powerful symbol of who we are and what we believe in. Plus, it's pretty; what with the wreath around the globe, all blue & white and all...

...Our strength. Our diversity. Diversity is just a fact. It can be good, bad or indifferent. And it's often the opposite of strength.

That flag doesn't belong to any president. It doesn't belong to any ideology and it doesn't belong to any political party. And it damn sure doesn't belong to those who spent a lifetime spitting on it, burning it, flying it upside-down and running away from it.

...the president who sits at that desk must be guided by principle. He is. And thanks for saying so.

We believe in the family value expressed in one of the oldest Commandments: "Honor thy father and thy mother." Then defend their country. And stop aborting their grand-children.

I will not privatize Social Security. Because, father and mother, you can't be trusted with your own money. It's an 'honor' thing, folks--you wouldn't understand.

You don't value families if you force them to take up a collection to buy body armor for a son or daughter in the service. Nor in the Boy Scouts. You're pissing me off now, Sandanista Boy.

We believe that what matters most is not narrow appeals masquerading as values, but the shared values that show the true face of America. Not narrow appeals that divide us... "which is why I support reparations for the Left-handed Lip-Reading Amish-Armenian Dwarf Community!"

What does it mean when people are huddled in blankets in the cold, sleeping in Lafayette Park on the doorstep of the White House itself? It means they're drunk. Or they're Clinton ex-girlfriends, waiting to serve the paternity papers.

I will cut middle class taxes. In theory.

I will reduce the tax burden on small business. Unless I don't.

And I will roll back the tax cuts for the wealthiest individuals who make over $200,000 a year, so we can invest in job creation, health care and education. Finally; a promise he might keep.

Our education plan for a stronger America sets high standards and demands accountability from parents, teachers, and schools. Havun't yu hepped enuff?

Our health care plan for a stronger America cracks down on Waste, Greed, and Abuse... "Attorneys at Law."

You'll get to pick your own doctor... Yo' sho' is awful good to us, Massa'.

And all Americans will be able to buy less expensive prescription drugs from countries like Canada. When we let Canada pass our price-control laws for us, investors will invest because...?

...when I'm President, America will stop being the only advanced nation in the world which fails to understand that health care is not a privilege for the wealthy, the connected, and the elected - it is a right for all Americans. As your neighbor, I'll be dropping by the mansion tonight to go swimming, John. Stock that the bar in the cabana, wouldja?--I have rights, ya' know!

We value an America that controls its own destiny because it's finally and forever independent of Mideast oil. Let's see... no Mid-East oil, no American oil, no coal, no natural gas, no nukes, no hydro, no wind turbines even. That just about narrows it down to holding hands, closing your eyes and wishing really, REALLY hard, Tinkerbell.

I want to address these next words directly to President George W. Bush: In the weeks ahead, let's be optimists, not just opponents. Let's build unity in the American family, not angry division. Let's honor this nation's diversity; let's respect one another; Uh-oh; he's up to something...

and let's never misuse for political purposes the most precious document in American history, the Constitution of the United States. Just how important is imposing gay 'marriage' on an unwilling nation to Kerry's Democrats? At the close of your introductory speech to the American people, you address the President directly, call for mutual respect...and then accuse him of misusing the Constitution for votes.

It's so important to them because they know that if they can get away with illegally dictating such a profound change against the Consent of the Governed, it would establish a Judicial Monarchy in this country forever. Or at least until the revolution.

This is our time to reject the kind of politics calculated to divide race from race, group from group, region from region. John, it's rude to call for the disbanding of the Democrat Party right after they've given you their nomination. Where's your manners, son?

And let me say it plainly: in that cause, and in this campaign, we welcome people of faith. In case they were, um, confused by the Left's decades-long War on Faith.

I think of what Ron Reagan said of his father a few weeks ago, Whereas Michael Reagan has been involved in politics for years, Ron "Oedipus" Rex junior is a nobody who has just grave-robbed his way into the limelight. That the Incredible Oedipal Egg-head also wishes to cradle-rob is unsurprising.

And that Reagan's adopted son 'gets it' , while his bio-son does not, well, this gives us hope for the Middle East--liberty is not genetic.

and I want to say this to you tonight: I don't wear my own faith on my sleeve. Bloody smocks don't have sleeves.

But faith has given me values and hope to live by, from Vietnam to this day, from Sunday to Sunday... It's official; Nam-ianism is his religion.

And now it's our time to ask: What if? What if we have a president who believes in science, so we can unleash the wonders of discovery like stem cell research to treat illness and save millions of lives? Doesn't 'believe in science'? Is that some more mutual 'respect' for the Prez, John?

What if we had a Democrat candidate who could acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, there might be some wee moral issues in cloning human embryos for spare parts? Where did that much-vaunted 'complexity' suddenly go?

And what if we have a leadership that's as good as the American dream - so that bigotry and hatred never again steal the hope and future of any American? "You're all bigots...but I mean that in a respectful, unifying way."

I learned a lot about these values on that gunboat patrolling the Mekong Delta... Okay; that's it. That's one 'Nam riff too many, Boat Boy. We're done here. You've just been dishonorably discharged, Cardboard Commando. Permission to serve denied.

Dissssss-missed, missy.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

We Were WRONG! 


...and he has convinced this American that the nation would be safe in such hands. We heartily endorse the Senator and every word of his platform:

"Mr. President:
The independence of the United States is not only more precious to ourselves but to the world than any single possession. Look at the United States today. We have made mistakes in the past. We have had shortcomings. We shall make mistakes in the future and fall short of our own best hopes. But none the less is there any country today on the face of the earth which can compare with this in ordered liberty, in peace, and in the largest freedom? I feel that I can say this without being accused of undue boastfulness, for it is the simple fact, and in making this treaty and taking on these obligations all that we do is in a spirit of unselfishness and in a desire for the good of mankind. But it is well to remember that we are dealing with nations every one of which has a direct individual interest to serve, and there is grave danger in an unshared idealism. Contrast the United States with any country on the face of the earth today and ask yourself whether the situation of the United States is not the best to be found. I will go as far as anyone in world service, but the first step to world service is the maintenance of the United States."

"I have always loved one flag and I cannot share that devotion with a mongrel banner created for a League."

"You may call me selfish if you will, conservative or reactionary, or use any other harsh adjective you see fit to apply, but an American I was born, an American I have remained all my life. I can never be anything else but an American, and I must think of the United States first, and when I think of the United States first in an arrangement like this, I am thinking of what is best for the world, for if the United States fails, the best hopes of mankind fail with it."

"I have never had but one allegiance--I cannot divide it now. I have loved but one flag and I cannot share that devotion and give affection to the mongrel banner invented for a league. Internationalism, illustrated by the Bolshevik and by the men to whom all countries are alike provided they can make money out of them, is to me repulsive. National I must remain, and in that way I like all other Americans can render the amplest service to the world. The United States is the world's best hope, but if you fetter her in the interests and quarrels of other nations, if you tangle her in the intrigues of Europe, you will destroy her power for good and endanger her very existence. Leave her to march freely through the centuries to come as in the years that have gone. Strong, generous, and confident, she has nobly served mankind. Beware how you trifle with your marvelous inheritance, this great land of ordered liberty, for if we stumble and fall freedom and civilization everywhere will go down in ruin."

"We are told that we shall 'break the heart of the world' if we do not take this league just as it stands. I fear that the hearts of the vast majority of mankind would beat on strongly and steadily and without any quickening if the league were to perish altogether. If it should be effectively and beneficently changed the people who would lie awake in sorrow for a single night could be easily gathered in one not very large room but those who would draw a long breath of relief would reach to millions."

"We hear much of visions and I trust we shall continue to have visions and dream dreams of a fairer future for the race. But visions are one thing and visionaries are another, and the mechanical appliances of the rhetorician designed to give a picture of a present which does not exist and of a future which no man can predict are as unreal and short-lived as the steam or canvas clouds, the angels suspended on wires and the artificial lights of the stage. They pass with the moment of effect and are shabby and tawdry in the daylight. Let us at least be real. Washington's entire honesty of mind and his fearless look into the face of all facts are qualities which can never go out of fashion and which we should all do well to imitate."

"Ideals have been thrust upon us as an argument for the league until the healthy mind which rejects cant revolts from them. Are ideals confined to this deformed experiment upon a noble purpose, tainted, as it is, with bargains and tied to a peace treaty which might have been disposed of long ago to the great benefit of the world if it had not been compelled to carry this rider on its back? 'Post equitem sedet atra cura,' Horace tells us, but no blacker care ever sat behind any rider than we shall find in this covenant of doubtful and disputed interpretation as it now perches upon the treaty of peace."

"No doubt many excellent and patriotic people see a coming fulfillment of noble ideals in the words 'league for peace.' We all respect and share these aspirations and desires, but some of us see no hope, but rather defeat, for them in this murky covenant. For we, too, have our ideals, even if we differ from those who have tried to establish a monopoly of idealism. Our first ideal is our country, and we see her in the future, as in the past, giving service to all her people and to the world. Our ideal of the future is that she should continue to render that service of her own free will. She has great problems of her own to solve, very grim and perilous problems, and a right solution, if we can attain to it, would largely benefit mankind. We would have our country strong to resist a peril from the West, as she has flung back the German menace from the East. We would not have our politics distracted and embittered by the dissensions of other lands. We would not have our country's vigor exhausted or her moral force abated, by everlasting meddling and muddling in every quarrel, great and small, which afflicts the world. Our ideal is to make her ever stronger and better and finer, because in that way alone, as we believe, can she be of the greatest service to the world's peace and to the welfare of mankind."
--Senator Henry Cabot Lodge, Sr. (R-MA) speaks out against the League of Nations, Washington, D.C., August 12, 1919.

For you see, a long, long time ago in a land not so far away, there once was a place--indeed, a special place--that produced real men. And real American statesmen, in abundance.


When you see the word 'Archives'... 


Actually, I thought I'd roll this back out since the witching hour is upon us. (from 10/5/'03):

It Was a Dark and Stormy Convention... 
Without naming any names, we'll refer to them as, say, the "Lemocrats".

The Year is 1947.

And Americans relax, after--once again--pulling France's chestnut souffle out of the fire. They flock to Broadway to watch "A Streetcar Named Desire" in taxis named "Bob". They laugh at Tom & Jerry cartoons in theaters, in those heady days before the stupid, futile and unconstitutional War on Animation. They listen to the late Glenn Miller--think 'Springsteen', only with musical talent. and class. and guts.

It's 1947..."Meet the Press" debuts on NBC. We've since met them and are not terribly impressed. Stamps cost three cents...and were made so sturdily, that some of those letters are still being delivered today. 'Existentialism' is postulated by Jean-Paul Sarte, who may or may not have actually existed. Chuck Yeager breaks the Sound Barrier...yet fails to shoot down the hovering alien spacecraft as they deposit a fully-animatronic Al Gore in Roswell, before fleeing to the safety of a distant galaxy. Cowards.

Liberal Democrat Ronald Reagan battles Communists in Hollywood. They move to Malibu. And become Record Company Executives. In Europe, Greedy Imperialist American Cowboys impose the Marshall Plan, named after the great American Secretary of State, Marshall Dillon. Halloween came early that year......on October 26, specifically.

That fateful night, a child is born to Hugh and Dorothy Rodham in the tiny hamlet of Chicago, Illinois. Oddly, they choose the name 'Hillary Diane' for the child, instead of the more conventional names of the era, such as 'Susie', 'Jane' or 'Lucretia Druizella, Hell-Beast from the Underworld'. In later years, Hillary would claim as her namesake an as of yet unknown bee-keeper from New Zealand, the future Conqueror of Mt. Everest, Sir Edmund Diane. This was the first known manifestation of the famous 'Rodham psychic-'Cattle-futures'-gene.

Life was good in their leafy, up-scale suburban Park Ridge ghetto, where men with their briefcases would leave for work each day, and women were chained naked to stoves and beaten. Today, thanks to the Feminist Revolution, after a brutal day's work in the Senate or writing bitchy columns for the Times, Modern Women can proudly come home to an empty mansion, curl up with a Deepak Chopra book and mutter to themselves how all the men they know are either faithless wolves or metro-sexuals, while cats lick their ankles as they cry themselves to sleep while silently mouthing the words to an American Movie Classics re-run.

Oh; and don't forget to unchain the Guatemalen maid.

Yes, life was sweet for the close-knit family. Should Li'l Hill be bullied by a boy at the school debate, she would tenderly cry out to her mother: "Matriarch! File suit on my behalf!". Many were the evenings she would greet her father at the door, saying "Welcome to the community property domocile, esteemed Family Member," as per her motto: "Women, Children and their Families".

Daily mealtimes with her siblings were fun; she would sometimes sneak a pork-chop or an extra biscuit, slipping it under the table to feed the family pet, 'Hugh'. The family attended Methodist services-- which Hillary still attends to this very day. Methodism is, of course, a benign & humane denomination, which avows the Christian Gospel and endeavors to help those who are less-fortunate.

Except when practiced by George W. Bush.

It then suddenly becomes a dangerous and deranged cult of snake-handling fundamentalists, hell-bent on establishing an Imperialist Theocracy with the help of Halliburton.

Young Hillary was instinctively drawn to politics as a way of enforcing her temper tantrums on a larger public. While the infant held back in 1948, correctly sensing that Harry Truman had a lock on the Democratic nomination that year, by 1952, the five year-old was ready to make her move. Hillary, in what would later become a Clinton tradition, climbed out of the bed-room window, caught a streetcar (named 'Mad Desire For Power', as coincidence would have it) that took her downtown to Chicago's International Amphitheater, the site of 1952's Democrat Convention.

Once there, she was a ruthless power-broker, paying off delegates with her lunch-money and cutting deals in the smoke-filled rooms. When the smoke cleared, she came away with two things; a deep-seated aversion to all things resembling a cigar, and a victory for her candidate, Adlai Ewing Stevenson, best remembered today for his role as Lt. Colonel Henry Blake on 'M.A.S.H.'. Although that role was actually played by Adlai's first cousin, McLean. Who is best remembered for playing Shirley MacLaine at dinner parties. (In reality, as everyone knows, Adlai Stevenson played the role of Pamela Ewing on 'Dallas'.)

That campaign season there were ten Democrat candidates: Adlai Stevenson, Richard B. Russell, Russell B. Terrier, Russell Stovers, Averell Harriman, Pamela Harriman, Pamela Ewing, Estes Keefauver, Billy Sol Estes, Emillio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Bishop Sheen, Charlie Parker, Parker Brothers, Robert Kerr, Deborah Kerr, Josef Stalin and Al Sharpton.

Okay; so that's more than ten. But some of them were the same person.

So what can we learn from this?

First, if you rearrange the letters in "Adlai Ewing Stevenson", it spells "Ann Wants Steve's Eau de Ewe-Love". almost. A sentence so malignant, so malicious, so demonstrably false, that Paul Begala is considering bringing suit against the Stevenson estate for unfair use of his copyrighted thought-process. We wish Mr. Begala well in his effort and recommend this leggy attorney.

Secondly, just as in 1952, there were TEN candidates, not nine. And that was the last time a presidential candidate was chosen by ballot at a deadlocked convention.

Prediction: The Clintons continue to backstab the other candidates in turn, so that no one candidate arrives in Boston with a clear majority. HILLARY!'04 offers herself as the Reluctant Saviour of a divided party, not having said one bad word against anyone. in public.

On the third ballot, she clinches the nomination and picks Wesley Clark as her running-mate. The news anchors all spontaneously wet themselves live on national TV. And not hidden behind a desk while pantless, as is the usual practice.  The media go into Full-"Candidates Gone Wild!"- Mode, meme-crazy with " THE FIRST-EST, SMARTEST WOMAN IN ALL OF HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Of course, this scenario depends entirely upon the willingness of the Clintons to betray all the other candidates and use every dirty trick in the book to sabotage any opposition in a blind, all-consuming frenzy of personal ambition and a blood-lust for raw political power.

And upon the complicity of a press corps filled with biased suck-ups who would glady floss with Hillary's old toe-nail clippings.

Okay; maybe the second ballot.

(All apologies to Dave Barry--one of only four or five nationally-syndicated humorists whose name, when rearranged, spells 'Dry Ab Rave', a deodorant/shinola polish not sold in this country since 1952.

Coincidence? I think not.)

[Under our 'Prophecy-Back-Guarantee', Mr. Cleo will be handing out refunds in the comments section to those of you who ordered your lives around the predictions in this post. Good Luck.] 

MNN's Braking News Up-Date! 

"Crossing the Center-Lines of Journalism, Accidentally Swerving Into the Truth!"

In a shocking development, Manufactured News has learned that the Democratic Convention was actually held last month, and the images now being viewed are actually a re-enactment staged by John Kerry for a future bid as President of the Entire World.

When asked to comment on the cinematic scandal, Kerry campaign spokes-best-boy "Re-run" Runyan dismissed it as "old new old news". 

MNN has obtained excerpts of speeches from the original convention by opening a dictionary and throwing darts at the pages, much like the other Big Networks:

John Edwards:

"Hi, everybody; my name is John Edwards. I'm from the Gummint--and I'm here to Hope!
Many of y'all have asked why John Kerry chose me for the ticket.  So let me relate a conversation I had with Senator Kerry:

"John, you're probably wondering why I picked you as my running-mate, aren't you?"
"Nope. Hillary told y'all to."
"Well, yes...but I put up a fight. My doctor says the cat-o-nine-tail scars will be healing up any day now."
"Can I see them?"
"Oh...are you a doctor?"
"No...but I sue 'em."
"I see. Perhaps later. John, the other reason I selected you for my running-mate is because..."
"You want me to sue that plastic surgeon who transplanted that baby's bottom onto your forehead?"
"No!...It is rather smooth though, isn't it?"
"Smoother'n a skipping rock on a glassy pond. Smoother'n a possum pelt under an 18-wheeler. Smoother'n Burt Reynolds on Viagra. Smoother'n..."
"Enough! Let's dispense with the Southern colloquialisms, shall we , John? I chose you because..."
"You want me to sue those military absentee-voters again?"
"No!...well, yes, but not just yet. John, the reason why I chose you is..."
"Say, John..."
"Yes, John?"
"Could you, um, let go of my cheeks?"
"And John..."
"Yes, John?"
"You're standin' on my foot."
"Oh; sorry about that."
"Could you, uh, remove your foot?"
"Oh...yes; very well.  Now, John, the reason I chose you is because..."
"...You think I could be President if'n you end up in Ft. Marcy Park?"
"...'Cos you liked how  I sued those doctors for birth defects, forcing them to do unnecessary C-sections...and then had my partners sue them for performing the risky C-sections?"
"NO! The reason why I selected you is because we have chemistry. A plethora of chemistry.  And you didn't call me 'Lurch' behind my back like those other candidates. And those kids in prep school. And those guys in the Navy. And the Senate. And the convention delegates. And...well, nevermind. The point is, John, that you and I..."
(*door opens, slams shut*)
"Vut iz going on here, Jean?" 
"Mother! I was just telling John here..."
"Jean, Joe Wilson and Sandy Berger are vaiting for you by zee pool. Berger says he needs help with his trunks. And make sure Wilson uses zee bathroom first--he's been drinking sweet-tea for hours."
"But, Mother..."
"Report to zee cabana at vunce, Jean-effe!"
"Yes, Mother." (Teresa exits)
"Yes, John?"
"You picked me 'cos you want me to crack that pre-nup, right?"
"Yeah." "

Our MNN tin-foil microphones were only able to pick up the opening lines of Senator Kerry's speech before delegates stole the mics in order to fashion hash-pipes to ease their pain:

"Greetings, Salutations and Welcomings, little people. My name is John Kerry and I served Vietnam. I mean, I starred in "Vietnam!"...that is, I mean...My name is John Heinz and I...wait...Mother! Help!!!"

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Conventional Wisdom Teeth 

*Leftism is both a personal and cultural Death Wish. Euthanize the old folks, abort the babies, disarm the good guys, appease the bad guys, coddle the criminals...and put Kerry in the White House.  That's death, death, death, death, death...and Death Warmed-Over.

*"It is a fact that in the entire Vietnam War we did not lose one major battle. We lost the war at home...and at home, John Kerry was the Field General."--Robert Elder, Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.  

*OF COURSE Kerry will use his Super-8 combat re-enactment films at the convention. He's been waiting his whole life to use them. They were the entire reason he went to 'Nam. Back in his bachelor days, he even tried to use them to seduce actresses such as Morgan Fairchild. For that lapse of judgment alone, he should be disqualified...Creepy!

*I rarely say this, because it is a simple fact of life--but had a Republican advisor had gone into the Archives to alter & remove documents and provide them to a campaign, we'd see nothing but screaming banner headlines demanding impeachments & investigations (in that order) from now until Election Day. While Berger seems to have acted in the service of Clinton, Kerry and his own ambition, I predict the Clintons will spin this as a Kerry scandal to sabotage his chances.

*The one consistent theme to emerge from the convention has been trans-nationalist impulse to subjugate the United States to internationalist institutions.  Kyoto, ICC, UN, NATO, "Squandered the good-will", "our long-time allies", "restore our good name in the world", etc. all mean the same thing. Certainly all Democrats are not un-American, but many have become literally un-Americanized, no longer even Blame-America-Firsters, but Blame-America-Only-ists.

*BTW, Do we need 100,000 federalized, unionized first-responders? Or should our enemies should be 'first-responding' to our relentless onslaught to remove them from the face of the earth and drag their societies in the modern era?

That's what this election is all about.

"Got Dubya?" 

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

MNN's Live Coven-Shun Coverage 


(Boston, Mass., U.S.S.R.) Democrats enjoyed another evening of speakers, capped by a video presentation from their consumptive nominee, Sen. John Kerry.

In tonight's video, Kerry gave his positions on the war, the economy and social issues. Thursday night he will speak "live" at the convention, where he will give his other positions on the war, the economy and social issues.

Teresa Heinz-Kerry-(insert-name-of-Senator-to-be-named-later-here) said her husband won't "mistake stubbornness for strength...although he sometimes get mixed-up on 'for' and 'against'." She also claimed her husband was a "uniter-- just ask the South Vietnamese."

In hopes of giving her husband an electoral college boost, Mrs. Kerry declared herself the state of 'Heinzylvannia', saying 'Hey; I got two senators...I must be a state!"

Ron Reagan junior gave a speech on embryonic stem-cell research, a process in which a human being would be cloned into existence and then killed and harvested for spare parts.

"Anyone who says my father would support a certain policy, especially policies he supported his whole life, is an opportunistic liar," said junior, adding "My Dad would support this; he signed several Farm Bills, didn't he?"

Mr. junior then returned to his home in Obscurity, California, where he lives with his cats and an autographed pair of Rudolf Nureyev's ballet tights. 

"Does The UnGentleman Wish to Revise & Extend His Remarks?" 


"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."--Winston Churchill

"Bill Clinton will get halfway around the world before I have a chance to unload my pants"--Sandy Berger 

Manufactured News Network has received a Super-Secret copy of the files that Kerry/Clinton advisor Sandy Berger smuggled INTO the National Archives. While we cannot name our source,  we consider him completely reliable. Also handsome, wise and a real ladies man. 

And now, our Feature Presentation:

When 'Old Boxers or Briefs' Met 'Old Briefs in Boxers'

From:  POTUS
To:  Samuel Berger, National Skivvies Advisor 
10:00 a.m. EST
Jan. 20, 2001

Dear Sandy,

Well, in two hours my administration comes to an end, and George W. Bush will be sworn in as President.  Thanks for all your service to the nation, as together, we focused like a laser-beam on terrorism for the last eight years.  I often think back to the early days, recalling our campaign slogan, "It's the Terrorism, stupid!"

Excuse me if I sound a little tired, but I've been up all night, poring over the intercepts we just got last night. My Pashtun is a little rusty, but from what I can deduce, it looks like al Qaida is planning to hijack our aircraft and crash them into some buildings, probably in early September. Boy, it's too bad we just got these intercepts on my last day in office, or otherwise we would have invaded Afghanistan. Anyway, I'll warn Bush at our coffee this morning. If he fails to act, well, it's on his shoulders, not yours and mine.

By the way, I think you are correct when you say we have over-estimated Saddam's WMD program all these years. I'll explain all that to Bush also.

And thanks especially for all your work on Libya. I predict that Libya will give up its WMD program in about three years, thanks to the unrelenting pressure we have brought to bear on them. Others may try to take credit, but you and I will know better.  I think history will judge us kindly when, someday, historians find this totally contemporaneous memo which was written on my last day in office, not years later, and then inserted into the record.

Contemporaneously yours, on my last day in office, when this memo was written, 


p.s. I'm going to meet with Bush now and warn him.  In case anything bad happens, remember; it's not my fault.  Not that I obsess on my legacy or anything; I just want to do what 's right.
On this, my last day in office.  -B.C.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Hooray for Hollywood  

 My pal Jonathan V. Last  has some long-overdue good news from Tinsel-town:

'More Power to "The Grid" --Hollywood finally tackles the war on terrorism, and the result is better than you could have possibly hoped for.'

Coming soon on TNT.


Winning Life's Lottery 


Or not.

How is it...

...that when beer & tobacco companies use colorful & festive marketing techniques, they are "anti-children"...but when condom & lottery card makers do the same thing, it's "for the children"?

...the money from lotteries is always said to be "for education", but never for "sending the school superintendent on a Caribbean vacation"?

...that winning a dollar on a scratch card is called a 'win'...when the card cost a dollar in the first place? Isn't that 'breaking even'?

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Manufactured News Network presents "The Press-Gang" 

"Shanghai-ing Facts to Serve in the Navies of News!"

In the most consequential Story of Our Times, The Associated Press reported today that the Pentagon had located Pres. Bush's Alabama National Guard pay-stubs from 1972. The stubs were inadvertently found in Sandy Berger's girdle.

Teams of excavators from the National Archives were working around the clock to remove all the strata of documents from Mr. Berger's underwear. However, Democrats in Congress offered an amendment seeking to declare Berger's skivvies a 'UN World Heritage/Internationally-Protected Archaeological Site', with Prof. Hans Blix as Chief Curator. 

The Ass. Press' spokesmeme Demi Cratt-Hacke could not be reached for comment. Reportedly, Ms. Cratt-Hacke was absent with leave and believed to be at large in Vietnam, committing journalism by burning John Kerry's 1972 pay-stubs from the NVA.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Rules of Evidence 


"There are three kinds of lies--lies, damned lies and statistics," said Benjamin Disraeli.

Actually, there is a  fourth; but Disraeli never heard Bill Clinton testify. Lucky him.

Our Wizard of 'Iz' lies so easily and so often, that it is easier to keep track of the occasions when he "inadvertantly" tells the truth.  Like Alice, he sometimes steps through the looking glass,  and a thing resembling the truth becomes observable, if only for the briefest and The Shining-est of moments.

When the Clintons' sociopathic brains sense trouble, they default into lawyer-speak. You'll recall Hillary saying the Monica allegations would not be "proven to be true"--not that the allegations were false, only that they wouldn't be "proven" . Or Bill saying 'there "is" no relationship'--not "is & never was". Then debating the meaning of "is' in open court.

When speaking to a group of business-people,  the Boy President admitted that he had turned down Sudan's offer of bin Laden. But when asked by the 9/11 Commission, he denied it, saying "There is no evidence" such an offer was made. 

In Clinton-speak, that's an admission; it means "I sent Berger in there to destroy the evidence." Hence...there is no evidence! 

My point is not that Bill Clinton is a perfidous, lying, traitorous, amoral, degenerate, reprobate criminal scum-bag & jack-leg rakehell; clearly, he is. But that's not my point.

The point is that there is one party and one candidate who largely get the meaning of Sept. 11.

And another party and candidate that largely does not, will not and seemingly, can not. They are congenitally unwilling and unable to defend this nation in these, the most perilous of times.

They're not just clueless; they are actively anti-clue, clue-phobic, clueless-centric and anti-anti-cluelessness.

Will they ever get it?

Of that, truly, it must be said; 

"There is no evidence..."

Statistically speaking, of course.

MNN's Faith Tradition Report 

" 'Faith' and 'Tradition'--Two Perfectly Good Words that Sound like Mealy-mouth Bullsh*t when Placed Together!"

(AntiZion, UT) Having already condemned both Israel's security fence & the Iraq War as "illegal" last year, the "Presbyterian" " Church" " USA" recently voted for selective dis-investment in Israel. "We're not being unfair," said church spokes-equivacator Paul Skaly-Eisen. "We call on both the  Palestinians to stop the suicide-bombings and Israelis to stop bleeding."

Today, the convention passed another controversial proposal,  honoring legendary investor Judas Iscariot for his financial savvy. "Mr. Iscariot was able to parlay his vast insider-trading knowledge into a small fortune. We think that kind of stewardship should be honored," said church elder Longmarch Trudy Inzdatushans. "By the way, people should not confuse us with normal Presbyterians," she added. "We're just Leftists who didn't have anything else to do on Sunday."

The next item on the agenda is sure to be controversial as well; PC USA will vote on whether to retain their current Saviour, one Jesus H. Christ, or fire Him and hire a new Messiah. Pastor Theo L. Lojikul of the church's New Saviour Hiring Committee said "It's a done deal. The guy hasn't shown up for work in quite some time. And there are other issues as well; for instance, in his first day on the job, Mr. Christ showed up--with wine!--at a straight wedding ceremony, affirming marriage as a hetero-only institution. That's the kind of intolerance which we will not tolerate amongst our employees here at PC USA."

The leading candidates to replace Mr. Christ as  Son-of-God were said to include Yasser Arafat and Michael Moore. "Hey; Mr. Moore has an Oscar and President Arafat has a Nobel Prize; what prize did this Jesus guy ever win?" asked Pastor Lojikal, logically.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

The Lesson of Waterpants 

Does anyone remember the 'lesson' of Watergate? Sure you do. Say it with me:

"The Cover-up is Worse than the Crime!"

And Deep Throat was an anonymous national hero.

But that was a Republican scandal. Now, the press tells us that the real story is the 'suspicious timing' angle, not the crime itself. The "Uncover-up" is now worse than the crime.

Somehow, when a Democrat steals national security documents during wartime, in the service of a former Democrat president and a  Democrat president wanna-be...it's still a Republican scandal!

Nevermind that the 'reporter' who broke the story is the long-time favorite conduit for Clintonistan dis-information campaigns. This is a classic Clinton media black-op. Leak when you choose the timing and then blame it on the other guy. The presstitutes will CYA. Your media has more ways to lie to you than Jimmy Carter has liver spots.

Sandy Berger thought he could shoplift the historical record and parlay it into a Sec. of State gig. This is what I mean when I say the whole party has become Clintonized. There are no longer any chains on their appetite for power. None.

Whether it's raping campaign workers, using state-troopers to procure women, taking cattle-futures bribes, selling policy and ICBM technology, using naturalization policy for votes, treating the secretaries as a personal harem, hitting on female secret-service agents, siccing federal agencies on political opponents or even those who just happen to be in the way, selling pardons or trading them for votes in New York, stealing the damn furniture, Al Gore's concession, un-concession & re-concession, repressing military voters...anything goes.

They view the government as their personal property.

The proof is in the pants. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

The Inadvertent Legacysts 

Winston Churchill--"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it."

Sandy Berger--"History will be kind to me, for I intend to sneak it out of the National Archives one pantload at a time until it does."

From a  Corner reader:

..."So why would he stuff them down his pants or in his socks unless he knew that his person
wouldn't be searched but his briefcase would be? Did he or Clinton or Albright say something embarrassing in a post-9/11 world? Like maybe they weren't "obsessed" with UBL?
And again these reports of concealing documents in clothing came from the National Archives staff people, who even gave him a break by contacting Bruce Lindsey (popping up yet again!) before they contacted the FBI because he did the same thing on more than one occasion. That's why his "inadvertent" comment is ludicrous on its face."

Bruce Lindsey, huh? That means Bill:

""We were all laughing about it on the way over here. People who don't know him might find it hard to believe. But ... all of us who've been in his office have always found him buried beneath papers.""

Yes, but let's not talk about Vince Foster right now.

"I wish I knew who leaked it." "

I'll bet you do, pal.

"It's interesting timing."

Isn't it, though?

Like a cancer cell, the Clintons are the gift that keeps on giving. Talk about a legacy. 

And that stench you smell is the  Clinton Crime Family's Annual Document Burn & Bar-B-Cue.

Stinks, don't it?

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

They Really Worked Her Over Good 

Shut Up and Sing, pt. 10,000,001:
"(LAS VEGAS)  " Singer Linda Ronstadt not only got booed, she got the boot after lauding filmmaker Michael Moore and his new movie "Fahrenheit 9/11"  during a performance at the Aladdin hotel-casino."

"Before singing "Desperado" for an encore Saturday night, the 58-year-old rocker called Moore a "great American patriot" and "someone who is spreading the truth." She also encouraged everybody to see the documentary about President Bush."

"Ronstadt's comments drew loud boos and some of the 4,500 people in attendance stormed out of the theater. People also tore down concert posters and tossed cocktails into the air.
"It was a very ugly scene," Aladdin President Bill Timmins told The Associated Press. "She praised him and all of a sudden all bedlam broke loose.""

"Timmins, who is British and was watching the show, decided Ronstadt had to go for good. "
"Timmins said he didn't allow Ronstadt back in her luxury suite and she was escorted off the property. "

"Ronstadt's antics "spoiled a wonderful evening for our guests and we had to do something about it," Timmins said." ........................................
Looks like the train don't run by here no more, Linda.  You and I march to the beat of a different drum.
And maybe it's just me, but the phrase '58-year-old rocker' makes me scratch my head.
Look; the 70's are over. This is war. These times are way too dangerous to play fat and loose with the truth in the way that the demagogic Brown-Shirt (size 10Xcircus-tent) Michael Moore has done.
Here is the Complete List of All The Lies in Fahrenheit 9/11:  "Fifty-nine Deceits in Fahrenheit 9/11"  By Dave Kopel.  It is a lawyerly look at all the lies and distortions therein, free of hyperbole and gratuitous abuse.
However, for all your hyperbolic and gratuitous abuse needs, we recommend Moore Is Fat.
Because Freedom is more than just some people talkin'.
A lot Moore.

Monday, July 19, 2004


TR speaks to us from across a century...
"We have met to-day to do honor to the mighty dead. Remember that our words of admiration are but as sounding brass and tinkling cymbals if we do not by steady preparation and by the cultivation of soul and mind and body fit ourselves so that in time of need we shall be prepared to emulate their deeds. Let every midshipman who passes through this institution remember, as he looks upon the tomb of John Paul Jones, that while no courage can atone for the lack of that efficiency which comes only through careful preparation in advance, through careful training of the men, and careful fitting out of the engines of war, yet that none of these things can avail unless in the moment of crisis the heart rises level with the crisis..."
"I wish that our people as a whole, and especially those among us who occupy high legislative or administrative positions, would study the history of our nation, not merely for the purpose of national self gratification, but with the desire to learn the lessons that history teaches. Let the men who talk lightly about its being unnecessary for us now to have an army and navy adequate for the work of this nation in the world remember that such utterances are not merely foolish, for in their effects they may at any time be fraught with disaster and disgrace to the nation's honor as well as disadvantage to its interest. Let them take to heart some of the lessons which should be learned by the study of the War of I8I2."
"As a people we are too apt to remember only that some of our ships did well in that war. We had a few ships -- a very few ships -- and they did so well as to show the utter folly of not having enough of them. Thanks to our folly as a nation, thanks to the folly that found expression in the views of those at the seat of government, not a ship of any importance had been built within a dozen years before the war began, and the Navy was so small that, when once the war was on, our opponents were able to establish a close blockade throughout the length of our coast, so that not a ship could go from one port to another, and all traffic had to go by land. Our parsimony in not preparing an adequate navy (which would have prevented the war) cost in the end literally thousands of dollars for every one dollar we thus foolishly saved. After two years of that war an utterly inconsiderable British force of about four thousand men was landed here in the bay, defeated with ease a larger body of raw troops put against it, and took Washington."
"I am sorry to say that those of our countrymen who now speak of the deed usually confine themselves to denouncing the British for having burned certain buildings in Washington. They had better spare their breath. The sin of the invaders in burning the buildings is trivial compared with the sin of our own people in failing to make ready an adequate force to defeat the attempt. This nation was guilty of such shortsightedness, of such folly, of such lack of preparation that it was forced supinely to submit to the insult and was impotent to avenge it; and it was only the good fortune of having in Andrew Jackson a great natural soldier that prevented a repetition of the disaster at New Orleans. Let us remember our own shortcomings, and see to it that the men in public life to-day are not permitted to bring about a state of things by which we should in effect invite a repetition of such a humiliation."
"We can afford as a people to differ on the ordinary party questions; but if we are both farsighted and patriotic we can not afford to differ on the all-important question of keeping the national defenses as they should be kept; of not alone keeping up, but of going on with building up of the United States Navy, and of keeping our small Army at least at its present size and making it the most efficient for its size that there is on the globe. Remember, you here who are listening to me, that to applaud patriotic sentiments and to turn out to do honor to the dead heroes who by land or by sea won honor for our flag is only worth while if we are prepared to show that our energies do not exhaust themselves in words; if we are prepared to show that we intend to take to heart the lessons of the past and make things ready so that if ever, which heaven forbid, the need should arise, our fighting men on sea and ashore shall be able to rise to the standard established by their predecessors in our services of the past."
"Those of you who are in public life have a moral right to be here at this celebration to-day only if you are prepared to do your part in building up the Navy of the present; for otherwise you have no right to claim lot or part in the glory and honor and renown of the Navy's past." -Pres. Theodore Roosevelt at Annapolis, 1906
What Would Teddy Do?

Goodbye Normal Genes 

It seems Elton John has opened his big piehole again to bemoan the lack of anti-war pop songs and warn us of the New McCarthyism.
Ho hum. I can't even work up a good rant.
Oh; maybe 'cos I already did.
(from our pay-per-view archives:)
Elton Discovers 9-11 Cause! 

(Las Vegas, Nevada, U.S.A.)""Americans are always asking why the rest of the world hates them," John said after singing his first song, "Tiny Dancer." "Well, the reason is Dennis Miller.""
Uhh...Dennis Miller? No, Elton. Now, I don't want to go off on a rant here, but only leftie, self-loathing Americans ask crazy sh*t like "Why do they hate us?" The hate they feel for their own country is just the black hole in their own souls writ large.
Americans...real Americans, like Homer Simpson here, ask the important questions; such as: "Rock stars...is there anything they don't know?"
Or maybe, " Mommy; when is Daddy coming home?"
"Daddy will be home when he has made America safe for pampered foreign rock stars to bash the country where they make their millions, son."
Or even; "Which European country will be the first to adopt Islamic Law?" I wonder what the Vegas line is on that one...?
""You've all gone mental if you liked that," John said, before looking at the floor and shaking his head in disgust. Earlier in the show, Miller delivered about 20 minutes of his usual act -- biting, sarcastic political humor with a very strong right-of-center slant."
Yes, we're 'mental'...mass-murder does that to people. Whatever, rock star. This isn't about sex, drugs & rock & roll; this is about Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of those who threaten it.
You see, I am a citizen of a country that has, through it's charity, tax-dollars & liberal policies, fed more people, healed more sickness, made more discoveries, rebuilt entire societies, defended the weak, opened more markets, created more wealth, welcomed more immigrants, schooled more students, invented more technology and Spread More Freedom, Faith & Finance To More People In More Places Than ANY OTHER NATION, ANYPLACE, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE IN THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' HISTORY OF THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' WORLD, SINCE THE DAWN OF FREAKIN' TIME. AS FOR WHY THE SO-CALLED 'REST OF THE WORLD' HATES ME & MINE, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A F*CK. ARE YOU HEARING ME? GROW-THE-F*CK-UP, OR KEEP OUT HELL OF OUR WAY: THE GROWN-UPS HAVE WORK TO DO.
Rant over.

MNN Mourning Addition 

"(Ed.'s note:) We here at  the Manufactured News Network would like to congratulate the New York Times for their recent front-page story about Dick Cheney's resignation.
The Times is still the acknowledged leader in the exciting and fast-growing manufactured-news industry. While fabricating the story out of whole cloth to hide the dead-hamster bounce of the Edwards pick, the Times also gave John Kerry a chance to bash Bush--for a hypothetical, non-existent situation! Beautiful! That's what we call a 'Grand Slam' in the invented-journalism business, and, frankly, gives all of us here at MNN hope for the radiant future. Carry on, NYTimes! And now to our Grassy Knoll studios and our Mourning Addition anchorman, Juan Exxon Valdez...Juan?"
"Thanks, Ed.  In this morning's headlines, a defiant Martha Stewart vowed to quote 'give millions more to the Democratic Party so they can continue the class-warfare rhetoric that got me convicted in the first place.'
NAACP leaders said they couldn't understand why President Bush refused their invitation to speak at the recent convention. "We welcome the Grand Kleagle to come and speak anytime. We know he's busy trying to win the war for the Confederacy, but we feel that the head of the Taliban Republican Party should meet with us...in the spirit of reconciliation," said Kwesi Mfume.  When asked if the NAACP leadership was becoming increasingly shrill out of all proportion to reality and even tribalistic, Mr. Mfume just scowled and adjusted the feathers on his full-Ubangi Warrior Chieftain-headdress.
Failed ballet dancer and former dog-show emcee Mr. Ron Reagan, Junior is being groomed for a job at MSNBC according to other nobodies. "Ron Jr. can talk, he can dance...and his coat is shiny! What more does he need to be a journalist?" said MSNBC's spokesinterruptor Matthew S. Kris.  In a stunning development, Mr. Junior, a liberal Democrat, was asked by liberal Democrats to speak to other liberal Democrats at the liberal Democrat convention in the liberal Democrat city of Boston on the subject of fetal stem cells and his father, President Ronald Reagan.

Before their demise, both the fetuses and Pres. Reagan were conservative Republicans.
Now let's go to our sports reporter, Star Rhoyds. What have you got for us today, Star?"
"Thanks, Juan. In Paris today, Lance Armstrong was about to cross the finish line at the Tour de France, when suddenly, out of an alley came an elderly man with the forehead of a three-month-old baby. The man, riding a $9,000. bicycle, crossed the finish line just ahead of Armstrong, and shouted 'Vive le France!' and demanded the winner's medal. Police took the unidentified senator into custody.
The National Hockey League believes it has  finally arrived. "With the recent arrests of hockey players for hiring hit-men and committing assaults, we feel that the League is well-positioned to compete with the other major sports leagues," said NHL commissioner "Frenchie" Phrinch French.
And former weightlifting champion & Mr. Olympia Arnold Schwarzenegger called his democratic opponents 'girlie-men' for refusing to face the public. When reached for faux outrage at the nail salon, Democratic spokesmetroman Wyan E. Baybees said " Wah! Wahhh! Wahhhh!"
Back to you, Juan."
"Thanks, Star. Now let's go to our weather desk and environmental reporter Willow Bay Brook Stone Forrest Rock Dirt Cloud Brownfield. Willow, is their an inanimate object for which you are not named?"
"No, Juan. But speaking of inanimate objects, we're fast approaching 'Dan-Rather-standing-outside-in-a-Hurricane-telling-us-it's-windy-and-raining-Season'. Now let's go to the satellite. As you can see, it's hot across the nation. But, then, it's summertime. Our long-term forecast calls for cooling this Fall, cold this Winter and warming in the Spring. Back to you, Juan."
"Uhhh...thanks, Willow. Now for the financial report with MNN's off-shore financial advisor, Kay Maneye-Luntz. Kay;"
"Good morning, Juan. New Jersey pharmaceutical and genetic medicine giant Enfacide is reporting huge profits from a new line of fetal stem-cell products. These are milkshakes made from embryonic brain-cells that promise to extend the life of the consumer by as much as the length of your average sit-com. The drinks come in many delicious flavors, such as Soylent Strawberry, Berry Bonfire, Vanity Vanilla and Choco-Cannibal. Enfacide is a great investment. Also drinking-straw companies.  And sit-coms. That's our Manufactured Money report, Juan."
"And that's Mourning Addition for today. Have a great day, everyone, and remember; 
If something was sleazy, easy and wildly popular...Bill Clinton would have done it."   

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Support Your Local President 


President Bush, on the international scene:

"I've just had a close look at some of the dangerous equipment secured in this place. Eight months ago, the centrifuge parts and processing equipment for uranium were 5,000 miles away in the nation of Libya. They were part of a secret nuclear weapons program. Today, Libya, America and the world are better off because these components are safely in your care.

These materials are the sobering evidence of a great danger. Certain regimes, often with ties to terrorist groups, seek the ultimate weapons as a shortcut to influence. These materials, voluntarily turned over by the Libyan government, are also encouraging evidence that nations can abandon those ambitions and choose a better way.

...Every potential adversary now knows that terrorism and proliferation carry serious consequences, and that the wise course is to abandon those pursuits. By choosing that course, the Libyan government is serving the interests of its own people and adding to the security of all nations.

America's determination to actively oppose the threats of our time was formed and fixed on September the 11th, 2001. On that day we saw the cruelty of the terrorists, and we glimpsed the future they intend for us. They intend to strike the United States to the limits of their power. They seek weapons of mass destruction to kill Americans on an even greater scale. And this danger is increased when outlaw regimes build or acquire weapons of mass destruction and maintain ties to terrorist groups.

This is our danger, but not our fate. America has the resources and the strength and the resolve to overcome this threat. We are waging a broad and unrelenting war against terror, and an active campaign against proliferation. We refuse to live in fear. We are making steady progress.

To protect our people, we're staying on the offensive against threats within our own country. We are using the Patriot Act to track terrorist activity and to break up terror cells. Intelligence and law enforcement officials are sharing information as never before. We've transformed the mission of the FBI to focus on preventing terrorism. Every element of our homeland security plan is critical, because the terrorists are ruthless and resourceful -- and we know they're preparing to attack us again. It's not possible to guarantee perfect security in our vast, free nation. But I can assure our fellow Americans, many fine professionals in intelligence and national security and homeland security and law enforcement are working around the clock doing everything they can to protect the country. And we're grateful to them all. (Applause.)

To overcome the dangers of our time, America is also taking a new approach in the world. We're determined to challenge new threats, not ignore them, or simply wait for future tragedy. We're helping to build a hopeful future in hopeless places, instead of allowing troubled regions to remain in despair and explode in violence. Our goal is a lasting, democratic peace, in which free nations are free from the threat of sudden terror. Our strategy for peace has three commitments: First, we are defending the peace by taking the fight to the enemy. We will confront them overseas so we do not have to confront them here at home. (Applause.) We are destroying the leadership of terrorist networks in sudden raids, disrupting their planning and financing, and keeping them on the run. Month by month, we are shrinking the space in which they can freely operate, by denying them territory and the support of governments.

...In this challenging period of our history, Americans fully understand the dangers to our country. We remain a nation at risk, directly threatened by an enemy that plots in secret to cause terrible harm and grief. We remain a nation at war, fighting for our security, our freedom, and our way of life. We also see our advantages clearly. Americans have a history of rising to every test; our generation is no exception. We've not forgotten September the 11th, 2001. We will not allow our enemies to forget it, either. (Applause.)

We have strong allies, including millions of people in the Middle East who want to live in freedom. And the ideals we stand for have a power of their own. The appeal of justice and liberty, in the end, is greater than the appeal of hatred and tyranny in any form. The war on terror will not end in a draw, it will end in a victory, and you and I will see that victory of human freedom."

The President, on the domestic front:

..."When judges insist on imposing their arbitrary will on the people, the only alternative left to the people is an amendment to the Constitution -- the only law a court cannot overturn. A constitutional amendment should never be undertaken lightly -- yet to defend marriage, our nation has no other choice.

A great deal is at stake in this matter. The union of a man and woman in marriage is the most enduring and important human institution, and the law can teach respect or disrespect for that institution. If our laws teach that marriage is the sacred commitment of a man and a woman, the basis of an orderly society, and the defining promise of a life, that strengthens the institution of marriage. If courts create their own arbitrary definition of marriage as a mere legal contract, and cut marriage off from its cultural, religious and natural roots, then the meaning of marriage is lost, and the institution is weakened. The Massachusetts court, for example, has called marriage "an evolving paradigm." That sends a message to the next generation that marriage has no enduring meaning, and that ages of moral teaching and human experience have nothing to teach us about this institution.

For ages, in every culture, human beings have understood that traditional marriage is critical to the well-being of families. And because families pass along values and shape character, traditional marriage is also critical to the health of society. Our policies should aim to strengthen families, not undermine them. And changing the definition of traditional marriage will undermine the family structure."

Right again, Mr. President.

The Right Man deserves our support.

The Manufactured News Network 

"Taking the 'Work' out of 'Network'!"

The Federal Election & Free-Speech Prevention Commission ruled that re-runs of "The Addams Family" and "The Andy Griffith Show" could not be shown 60 days before an election, as it might benefit Sen. Lurch & Sen. Opie-Gone-Bad. "We've also warned al Qaida that an attack designed to influence the election could be considered an in-kind contribution to the Democrats and subject to heavy fines...and even jail time!" said commission anti-spokeswoman Silence Dogood.

Israel announced that it had perfected an anti-missile system for airliners. The UN's World Court immediately demanded that it be dismantled, as it "infringes on the religious rights of Wahabbists and the STINGER-equipped Community". The Court also revoked the UN charter of the Justice League, demanding that Superman dismantle his Super-Fortress, as Super-Villians found it "non-inclusive and distressing". The Court also indicted Batman on charges of 'sexual harassment while not named Clinton'.

Sen. Tedward Kennedy denounced the Bush Administration from the floor of the Senate--literally--while drinking early this morning. "U.S. soldiers threw two Iraqis into the river...and one of them drowned...Thish means that the Chappaquiddick Ferry hash re-opened under American management!...Waste a minute..." shlurred Kennedy.

al Jezeera announced it was adopting a new code of professional ethics. Newly-hired editor Hawa al Raines said "From now on, al Jezeera will exhibit the exact same standards of journalistic ethics as our Western counterparts." However, Mr. al Raines reassured his audience that "viewers will hardly notice any change at all."

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Tourist of Duty 


..."So however disappointed Kerry was with the leadership of the Wheelers and the Westmorelands and the other death-dealing hawks Bob Dylan had scorned since 1965 as "the masters of war", he also felt readier than ever to take on the Viet Cong. They had killed his friend and he was ready to kill them if he had to. For the time being, however, as the [USS] Gridley headed to Guam, he would keep following orders and try to be the best U.S. Navy officer he could. And that meant keeping his emerging anti-war thoughts to himself or consigned to paper, not out where they might jar the morale of his shipmates."--from Douglas Brinkley's 'Tour of Duty'.

There it is in a nutshell; Kerry was (and is) anti-war, pro-war, then anti-war...the perfect Catch-22 candidate.

Open "Tour of Duty" to any page, and you'll find one or more of these themes:

1. Kerry is the Camelot Kid.
2. Kerry is the King of Culture, attending plays, reflecting on the classics, dissecting lyrics and reading ancient manuscripts in the original Hindustani with one hand while firing a machine gun with the other.
3. American Command is always incompetent, stupid, corrupt and venal.
4. The South Vietnamese are always incompetent, stupid, corrupt and venal.
5. Kerry is John Wayne, only sensitive. And
6. Kerry is Abe Lincoln, with malice toward none and charity for Communists.

Mr. Brinkley's book bucks the 'History, warts-and-all' trend of recent historical scholarship; this work is all glory/all the time. But then, its not so much a history as it is a big, sloppy wet-kiss of a book, a glorified campaign tract. And consequently filled with errors of both omission and commission.

For example, Kerry's "emerging anti-war thoughts". They weren't 'emerging'; John Kerry was anti-war when he signed up. But he needed to avoid being drafted willy-nilly and, more importantly, wanted his PT-109 ticket stamped.

Now, many of our Founders sought glory in battle. Teddy Roosevelt lobbied incessantly for the Spanish-American War so that he might serve. But Kerry went medal-hunting to obtain the cachet that would allow him to discredit the cause for which his medals were awarded in the first place, a fundamental schizophrenia that has marked his career ever since.

And the medals he sought most seem to have been Purple Hearts. One can't help but feel that if 4 instead of 3 Purple Hearts were required to exit the scene, Kerry would have managed to get another during his four months in-country.

Brinkley also asserts that every one of the men who served under Kerry support him, a false assertion that the well-researched Brinkley almost had to know was untrue. And Brinkley omits the fact that almost all of the men who served around Kerry oppose him.

'Tour de Duty' never wonders if it is appropriate for a Naval Reserve officer to conduct private negotiations with the enemy.

Nor does Brinkley question the wisdom of telling Vietnam "We'll be flying in to search for POWs next week--and if we don't find any, we'll normalize relations (*wink*wink*)."

And since Kerry and his minions assert that because Cheney worked for Halliburton, Cheney [and therefore the war] is corrupt, shouldn't the multi-millions the Kerry/Forbes family got from Vietnam after normalization elicit a question or two? Alas, no.

As for claiming the JFK mantle, Jack Kennedy was an ardent anti-communist his entire life, so much so, that he told friends he would vote for Nixon if his party nominated a squishy liberal in 1960. He faltered, however, when he allowed the Bay of Pigs invasion to proceed without a realistic plan for success...and it cost him his life.

Castro saw Kennedy as dangerous enough to mount an invasion, yet weak for failing to pull it off. Sensing weakness, Castro had Lee Harvey Oswald of the Fair Play For Cuba Committee pull the trigger. LBJ believed that--yet the assassination went unpunished. Those shots that rang out in Dealy Plaza were the first shots fired in the War on Terrorism; because there was no retribution, Castro began holding conferences on internationalizing terror, and soon the planes with Arab hi-jackers began landing in Havana.

John Kerry performed some brave acts during his four months in Vietnam--and some questionable ones. But immediately upon coming home, he threw his lot in with those who were working not just for an end to the war, but those who actively sought a Communist victory. And he defamed those he had served with in order to further his personal ambitions. Then came his long career as an apologist for every Commie who came down the pike.

Brinkley--and indeed, Kerry, can't answer the real question; how does one man become both an American war hero...and a North Vietnamese war hero? For most of us, that's a Nuance Too Far. The last man to pull that off was Benedict Arnold. And I don't have any speech-writers who made me say that for months at a time.

"Tour de' Surrendaire" is merely in-kind contribution from the intelligensia, a scholarly 'Vote for Kerry!' sign stuck in the academy's front yard.

But the main question for voters is this;

John Kerry played a pivotal role in ensuring America's political & moral defeat in the only war this country ever lost.

Can we take the chance he won't do it again?

I don't think he can stop himself.

This election is our Call to Duty...

answer it.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

The Amalgamated, Consolidated, Incorporated Manufactured News Network 

"You can't make this stuff up...'cos we already did it for you."

The UN's World Court ruled that Israel must dismantle its security fence. The Chinese Communist Chief Justice Lao Guy said "If we let them build a fence, the next thing you know they'll want to vote and stuff. Besides, fences are for keeping political prisoners in, not keeping bombers out."

When asked if the UN and the World Court were willing to remove their own security devices, Associate Justice Roi Beaneaux said "Yes, this ruling is a security device; it allows us to forget our complicity in the Holocaust while posing as morally superior. It buys off the Islamists in our midst at the expense of the Israelis, while farming out our latent Judenhass to local operators--it's perfect, really." When told that the question referred to removing concrete barriers outside the World Court building, Beaneaux retorted "What?!! That's insane! Why, we could be killed! Our lives are important, not like the...some people's."

Appearing on the Laeeh King show, tehRAYsuh Heinz-Kerry also had trouble saying the J-word: "But you know, Europeans have lived that way [under the threat of terrorism] and other people around the world have lived that way."

She continued "If only Americans would submit to their European betters, we, too, could get used to terrorism, have 10% unemployment and no military, enjoy $6.00-a-gallon gasoline and rule-by-aristocracy. What the hell is the matter with you peasants, anyway?"

The Senate Intelligence Committee released its scathing assessment of the CIA today. "We can't understand it," said Sen. Ben "Dick" Arnold (D.-Fluja).

"We made the CIA fire all its spies, hire sexual-harassment experts instead of Arabic-speakers, conduct black-ops against the administration such as the Wilson Affair, and generally turned the agency into a State Department with a Cone of Silence--and somehow, they still can't get it right. It's baffling," said Arnold.

And, proving conclusively that Saddam had no WMDs, Sudan just asked Syria to take back its generous gift of spare WMDs.

In a country filled with tens of thousands of American troops, an American(*cough*) Marine corporal of Lebanese descent disappeared from occupied Iraq, re-surfacing in Lebanon three weeks later. Proving that a dictator couldn't have possibly smuggled WMDs into the Bekka Valley during the mad year-and-a-half 'rush to war'.

In other senseless acts of news, the Bush campaign announced that it will henceforth refer to Sen. John Edwards only as 'Opie Gone Bad', which, coincidentally, would make a good name for a rock band.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

And the Loser Is... 

The "Man From Mayberry", Sen. John Edwards.

(From our Sharp Knife archives:)

"Howdy, y'all. I was just down at the courthouse with Sheriff Taylor and Opie, and the Sheriff sez to me "John, you're a trial lawyer, but you're not scary like that Dershowitz guy & Johnnie Cockroach." "

"That's what you thin...that's right, Andy." says I.

"I'm a DLC Democrat. That means I can't tell you what I'd really do if'n y'all make me President someday. Shucks, I even support a measure that the Bar Association hates!
It would limit attorney's fees to just half of the Gross National Product. Y'all."

"Well, that's just wonderful, Senator." said the Sheriff.

"By the way, Andy, I represent Otis here, and his disability check just arrived at the liquor store,and..."

"Say no more, Senator. Deputy Fife, release Otis to the custody of the Senator. He won't be much trouble, Senator. No more than, say, Teddy Kennedy."

"Thanks, Sheriff! It'll go easy for you when I sue Deputy Fife for brutality," says I.

"Wait a darn minute! He can't do that can he Andy?," said Barney.

"Well, Barney, he did shut down 'Aunt Bea's Pickle Pie Emporium' 'cos she didn't have any lesbian employees," said Andy.

"Yeah, but that was 'cos the 'Pickle' part scared them off!," said Barney.

"And remember when he sued Floyd the barber under the Clean Hair Act? Floyd had to file an Environmental Impact Statement to sweep up the hair off the floor...and get a Federal Beautician's License! Drove him plumb out of business!," said Andy.

"Deputy Fife, do you deny getting in the cell with Otis and laying down?," says I.

"Well, no, Senator, I take a nap every afternoon, but..."

"Do you realize how you sexually terrorized poor Otis under color of Authority?," says I.

"What!? He was dead drunk asleep!," said Deputy Fife.

"So you admit to taking advantage of the Disabled! This is going to cost you, Sheriff!," I told them.

"Senator, Mayberry's a small town; we can't afford that," says Andy.

"My staff tells me that if you close the orphanage, cancel that new cement pond at the Youth Center and raise taxes 10% , you'll be able to afford my fees...'course, you still have to pay Otis for his pain & sufferin'," I said.
"But I've got to get back to Washington now, so's I can perpetrate some more Justice for you people!"

Opie: "You're a bad man, Senator!"

"Here kid, have a cigarette! Every penny we lawyers & Democrats get from smokers goes to fight those Big Tobacco boys up in Mt. Airy!"

Monday, July 05, 2004

Manufactured News Network 


In an unusual turnabout, Sen. John Kerry yesterday endorsed the National Education Association. "I think they'll make a fine president," said Kerry, just back from his holiday celebration of 'Tax Loophole Days' in the Caymans.

NEA spokes-edukator Duntz Capp welcomed the endorsement; "Sure, we can't teach third-graders how to spell anymore--but we're smart enough to run the country."

In other news, Kerry was expected to name his choice for the VP slot as soon as Hillary tells him who it will be.

UPDATE: Hillary called; it's Edwards. She already had the convention moved to Boston where it will be a vote-killing tribute to Uncle Ted. The sabotage now begins in earnest.

UPPITYDATE: Michael Moore is a svelte, trim, man of integrity.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

From the Archives... 

"One if by land, Two if by Sea..."

His Most Excellent Excellency,The Emperor Misha, Compassionate Educator of Trolls & Other Inanimate Objects
had a recent & trenchant post on this modest effort to defend historic North Church against the ravages of the "silent artillery of time"...and memory.

The taxpayers are funding repairs of this National Landmark, and Barry Lynn, who uses the title "Rev." when it helps him advance his anti-Christian bigotry, said "that if Revere were alive today, he would 'ride around the country, saying your tax dollars are being abused and warning that the church-state separation wall has just seen another crack.' " Another crack-pot, maybe.

Since the "Rev." has gotten his panty-loins all in a gird, we thought we'd take him up on his challenge, and ask Paul Revere himself:

(With apologies to Longfellow)

Listen, tax-payers and you will hear
of the Midnight ride of Paul Revere.
Where are you going at this hour, Paul?
Playing some Midnight basketball?
Or, are you a war-monger,
spreading intolerance and hate,
and breeching the wall between church & the state?

I can't help but notice you carry a musket;
Paul, they're illegal from here to Pawtuket.
You wear a tri-corner and their coats are red;
Is that any reason to fight 'til one's dead?
To our modern eyes, these are indicia;
"My God! I think he's in a militia!"
You see, Paul, some things have changed since your day;
If we saw you now, we'd lock you away.

That horse that you're riding out in the yard;
He too, has rights, and you ride him too hard!
And the lanterns your friend carried up to the tower
relied upon whale oil for their shining power!
And that shop in town where you were a smithy;
must comply with our rules; there's a million & fifty!
Talk back not, and cast no aspersions,
Or we'll drop by to see if you've hired enough Persians.

On April 15th and each day of the year,
we pay and we pay on what we have earned dear.
We've got money for Egypt, money for zoos,
plenty of money for removing tattoos.
Money to study love-lives of emus,
and money for mohair where no hair ever grew.
Money for 'artists' wearing nothing but chocolate,
Money for bombs that make awe and make shocklets.
But here is a thing that you would find odd;
No money for North Church...Someone said "God"!

I know what you're thinking as you shake your head;
You think that you're safe, Paul; but we tax the dead.
You're saying to us: "Why on earth did I bother?...
Have my children forgotten the Flags of their Fathers?
And whence all this anger at all your traditions?
How did you come into this strange condition?"

"Some worship money, some worship science,
some merely shake their fists in defiance.
Some worship power, some worship Nature,
some worship the Devil, and worse: Legislatures!
Your fathers were brave, ringing Liberty's Bell,
and Acknowledged their Father who blessed them so well.
But ponder this thought as you seek your solution:
Without that church tower...

...There'd be no Constitution."

Saturday, July 03, 2004

The Federalist 

Alexander Hamilton:

"The fabric of American empire ought to rest on the solid basis of THE CONSENT OF THE PEOPLE. The streams of national power ought to flow from that pure, original fountain of all legitimate authority."

"It will be of little avail to the people, that the laws are made by men of their own choice, if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood; if they be repealed or revised before they are promulgated, or undergo such incessant changes that no man, who knows what the law is to-day, can guess what it will be to-morrow."

"The circumstances that endanger the safety of nations are infinite, and for this reason no constitutional shackles can wisely be imposed on the power to which the care of it is committed."

Friday, July 02, 2004

Prescient at Creation 

"I am apt to believe that it [Independence Day] will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward, for evermore. You will think me transported by enthusiasm, but I am not. I am well aware of the toil, and blood, and treasure that it will cost us to maintain this declaration and support and defend these states. Yet, through all the gloom, I can see the rays of ravishing light and glory. I can see that the end is more than worth all the means, and that posterity will triumph in that day's transaction, even though we should rue it, which I trust in God we shall not."--John Adams

"Republicans believe every day is 4th of July..." 


Happy Independence Day to all American patriots & matriots, and well-wishers of freedom everywhere. Its been a great run...and the best is yet to come.

Remember to slow down out there. We want you here on the 5th! PLEASE!!!

Have a great holiday, all.


Or, 'Why My Flag Will Fly at Half-Mast Until the Morning of July 6th, 2004'

1. Trust in God. Even if.

2. Pray for your enemies. Even though.

3. Call what is good, 'good'. And call what is evil, 'evil'.

4. Then act accordingly.

5. Optimism is a communicable ease.

6. Class is its own reward.

7. Reagan was both a hedgehog--who knew one big thing...AND a fox, knowing many little things. His detractors remain over-educated asses, who know everything--and badly.

8. When you finally succeed in moving the mountain, those who opposed moving it in the first place will say:

a.) that the mountain would have inevitably moved on its own, anyway.
b.) that you were just lucky it moved while you were in charge.
c.) that it was actually the hostile tribal chieftain encamped on the mountain who made it move.
d.) "We're not really for Mountainism--we're just anti-anti-Mountainist!"
And lastly,

e.) "Hey; we helped move the mountain, too!" (while secretly clinging to the belief that the mountain was just fine where it was.)

9. America is the greatest country in the world, with one exception;

10. There are no exceptions.

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