Sunday, November 30, 2003

Surveyyyy Sez: 


While waiting here to be contacted by Miracle Whip's corporate attorneys, I was perusing the comments to the previous post; Nearly a quarter-century of heresy, eh Aaron? Sad.

Glad you all concur, but during this holiday season, let's all remember that somewhere, a man with a parrot perched on either shoulder wanders the hard streets of Coconut Grove, looking for his next Miracle Whip fix...

Take it, Elvis:

(to the tune of "In the Ghetto")

"As the sand flies...

On a warm & sunny Miami mornin',
another roast beef sammitch is born
in the Gables

And Betty Crocker cries

'Cos if there's one thing that makes her flip,
it's ruining a sammitch with Miracle Whip
in the Gables

People, don't you understand;
The child needs a helping hand
Or he'll grow to be a Miracle Whip man some day.

Take a look at you and me
Are we too blind to see?
Do we simply slice our bread, and look the other way?

While the stomach turns...

And a hungry little boy with a runny drip,
blows it into a jar and calls it Miracle Whip
in the Gables

Then one night in desperation
The young man breaks away
He buys lots of guns and a 50-gallon burrel
Tries to eat it all
It only makes him hurl

It draws sand flies

As a crowd gathers 'round, he tries to flee
But he's charged with a Crime Against Gastronomy

And Betty Crocker cries

in the Gables (in the Gables) (in the Gables)"

*sniff*...that one always chokes me up.

sorta' like Miracle Whip.

Oh...there's the phone now.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Some Things 

transcend mere politics.

Some issues cut so deep, and go to the very core of who we are as a people, that they cannot be challenged without calling into question the very existence of Western Civilization itself.

And while there can be people of good will on both sides of the issue, there can only be one outcome that will assure the continuation of the species.

I refer here to the Burning Question of Our Times, the Challenge Before Us, the Moral Issue of Our Age:

Miracle Whip vs. Hellman's.

As I said, this debate goes beyond mere politics, and rises to the level of a Spiritual Question. At first glance, you might think that the product with the word 'Miracle' in it's name would be spiritually superior to the product with 'Hell' in it's name. This is a common mistake.

The name 'Hellman's' acknowledges the fallen nature of mankind, and thus is theologically & gastronomically correct. However, I believe the name 'Miracle Whip' was, and correct me if I'm wrong, taken from the name of a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit. Coincidence? I think not.

And while mayonnaise is produced in shiny modern mayonnaise factories by happy & contented workers, no one really knows for sure where Miracle Whip comes from. Some have speculated that when mayonnaise is nearing it's expiration date, it is removed from the shelves, shipped to France (a large Algerian colony where snails are worshipped), allowed to go rancid and then injected with large amounts of corn syrup and the mildly psychotropic yohimbe bark. It is then re-labled as "Whippe de' Miracle" (French for "Despite having been defeated time & again, some people still take our advice seriously!"), conjured over by ringworm-infested Voodoo high-priestesses, and returned to the shelves of your local supermarket, where unsuspecting hillbillies & under-employed lawyers purchase it. Yes; and eat it.

Tawdry and disgusting though it may be, we are counseled not to despair; "Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Salad Dressing, I will fear no Miracle Whip."

Now go enjoy a left-over turkey sammich.

And sin no more.

DemocRATS, after all. 


Trapped Rat Gray Davis signed lots of ratical legislation before he met his ExTerminator, including this peice of pestilence:

"The API {Animal Protection Institute} pushed SB 1645 as law, which requires that anybody taking furbearing mammals or non-game animals must purchase a trapping license, available only by paying a fee ($78.50) and passing a fairly complex test. Now get this: Fish and Game Code 4005 defines non-game animals as including mice, rats, gophers and moles."

"So now you need a trapping license to set out mousetraps?"

"Terry Knight of the Lake County Fish and Wildlife Committee asked Scott Paulsen, DFG chief of law enforcement, that question at a committee meeting Thursday night."

""We're not enforcing this for personal use," said Paulson, who then added that, because of the force of law, the statute must be enforced for commercial use."

"That means if you hire a neighbor to set mousetraps at your house, or perhaps hire your gardener or a pest control service, that they must have a trapping permit -- or face being arrested."

"The DFG did not support the bill, but the Animal Protection Institute pushed it through anyway, according to Knight."

While the Dems in Caligufornia may have cornered the rodent vote, this group of campus conservatives have banded together to promote highway construction...yes, the threatened Tiger Salamanders of Stanford will get their own underpass!

And it gets better:

"A big remaining question is whether the tiger salamander could affect the plans to build a Carnegie Foundation building nearby in the hills. Part of that area has been designated a "special conservation area.""

""That probably means there are tiger salamanders there," Dade said."

"If so, the Endangered Species Act could be used to try to stop the development, Dade said."

Promoting highway construction...and stopping a lefty 'peace' institute from being built, thus actually contributing to world peace...

Go Salamanders!

Friday, November 28, 2003

If Only... 

Manufactured News Network (Washington, D.C.) After finding themselves ranked somewhere between the Peronista and the Free Soil Parties in the polls, Democrats convened an emergency strategy meeting today. Our reporters weren't allowed in the room, but, in the fine tradition of modern journalism, we fabricated the following transcript:

"This Bush guy is killing us; he keeps rolling up victory after victory," said Teddy the Hutt.

"I'm concerned. And saddened. And troubled. And worried. And anxious. And apprehensive. And distressed. Deeply. And..."

"Get to the point, Tom!" said Teddy.

"We've got to try something new," said Little Tommy D. of Boys' Town. "Say, I was looking through the Constitution for loopholes last night, and it occurred to me that a lot of it was about individual rights."

"You mean...no more preferences?!!!" snorkled Teddy.

"Tom's right, Ted," said Gep Dickhardt. "It seems that in the Constitution, EVERY individual is a protected minority. And that's not all; there is a strong emphasis on defending this country militarily. And limiting the size of government."

"Bu...bu...but..." Teddy blubbered. redundantly.

"Hey...here's a thought: we could allow the schools to be run by local parents for the benefit of students!" added Nancy 'Pants' Pelosi.

"And we could actually enforce our immigration laws!" said another, bordering on heresy.

"And we could stop choking small business and let people keep more of their own money...we used to be the Party of the little guy," said yet another.

"Did someone mention my name?" asked Little Tommy.

Teddy's face reddened as the veins in his head began to bulge...and this time, it wasn't the scotch. Okay, okay...it wasn't JUST the scotch. "The next thing you know, you people will propose letting patients make their own medical choices!", Teddy bellowed in an apoplectic fit, beaching himself as Little Tommy summoned Senate pages to pour sea-water on the carcass, a Kennedy tradition. "Besides, Bill & Hill will still say 'nil'!" yelled Teddy.

"Our Party has been held hostage by those Arkansas Grifters for far too long," said Little Tommy; "All those in favor of expelling Ma & Pa Barker as the leaders of our Party, say 'aye'...the ayes have it!"

"I'm meltinnnnnggggggg!" groaned Teddy, his head now in full Linda Blair-spin, like Bill Clinton at a Hookers' Convention. "Bill Clinton IS a Hookers' Convention," screamed Teddy, correcting me.

"All those in favor of the Democrats becoming the Party of Limited Government, Individual Rights and a strong National Defense, say 'aye'...The Ayes have it!" exclaimed Daschle. "Democrats will now & forever more be the Party of Freedom!"

And then I woke up.

A Grateful Nation 


"Mankind is never truly thankful for the benefits of life until they have experienced the want of them."--An Army surgeon near Valley Forge, on the first official national Thanksgiving Day, 1789.

Thanksgiving is the most American of holidays, having originated here, and pre-dating Independence Day by a century-and-a-half.

This Thanksgiving, we find our civilization, Western Civilization---indeed, the very concept of civilization itself--under attack from both within and without. Yet sometimes, in the daily rush of things, we forget.

As Americans, we take so much for granted; our traditions, our institutions, the rule of law, the right to travel or speak out or start a business or a million other things. But the simple fact is: IT DOESN"T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

Islamists from Manchester to Milan. Canada instituting Islamic Law for it's Muslim community; ( and what of those who fled to Canada to escape such "law"? Such is the logic of multi-culturalism; suicidal to the host, yet homicidal to the "beneficiaries".) Europe afraid to discuss it's Judenhass de jour, lest it stir up animosity...against the haters! And entire higher educational institutions staffed by freedom-hating Statists, dedicated to the dismantlement of the society that makes higher education possible. It's...it's too much! Pass the turkey!

But it doesn't have to be that way, either. And can not be. Not while the American spirit yet lives, so help us God.

Today, I'm grateful for those who, of their own free will and in our behalf, have volunteered to defend this nation...and Civilization itself... in her hour of maximum peril.

All of civilization is a giant 12-step program to prevent our lives from becoming Solitary, Poor, Nasty, Brutish and Short. Or any of the other Democrat candidates.

So don't wait 'til your neck is under the boot-heel to defend freedom. Do it today.

With gratitude.

Thank you.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Why Settle For Simple Justice 


American prosecutors dropped all charges against Michael Jackson & John Muhammed today, citing Sandra Day O'Connor & European Union's Monitoring Centre on Racism and Xenophobia.

"Justice O'Connor has instructed us to follow international law, and the EU has decided to withhold it's report on anti-semitic attacks, because so many of the perps are pro-Palestinian Muslims. The EU's main concern about an actual epidemic of hate crimes against Jews is that it could provoke a hypothetical epidemic of hate crimes against Muslims," said prosecutor Stey N. Mark.

"Therefore, we are dropping all charges against Mr. Muhammed. Just think how inflamatory it would be to hold him accountable...we just wouldn't be able to live with ourselves if prosecuting him caused some sort of backlash," said the D.A..

Prosecutors in the Jackson case said they "now realized how charges like these could take a normal young black kid and twist him into a pathetic, disgusting middle-aged freak, scarring him for life, like really bad plastic surgery; we just can't have that on our consciences."

Both former suspects were released, given apologies and good citizenship medals. "See; they were just picking on me because I'm beige," said Jackson.

Interestingly, the newly-freed defendants expressed their desire to pursue the same life-long dream; to become Scoutmasters. "Michael can teach them how to help little boys cross the street, and I can help them with their marksmanship badges," said Muhammed.

Prosecutors were still weighing Muhammed's demand that his scope be re-sighted and returned to him, and Jacko's request that young Lee Malvo be released into his custody.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Kangaroos Beware! 


Contrary to popular usage, courts do not 'overturn' laws. They 'over-rule' them. That is, they substitute the higher rule (constitutions) for the lower rule (statutory law) when they conflict.

Statutory law is made by the people's elected representatives. And constitutions are also ratified by their representatives or amended through a direct vote. In this way, the right of the people to govern themselves is maintained. But when judges lie about the plain meaning & common usage of words, ignore the citizens' intent and twist the law to impose their own policy preferences, then all that remains is an empty shell of self-governance and judicial tyranny reigns.

This is often referred to as 'legislating from the bench', but legislating implies elections & compromise. It is tyranny. These judges would not resort to violence if they were expelled. But in one sense, their diktats are worse than the 'honest' tyranny imposed by an invader; judicial tyranny is an egregious assault on our civil rights done under color of law. We often expect tyrants to have mustaches and brown shirts; but sometimes, they move in respectable circles and wear black robes.

It is disheartening to see so many so-called 'libertarians' skip right over the little thing we laughingly refer to as 'the Consent of the Governed'. Call it a mere 'process' issue if you will; but this process has secured our right to self-rule for over 200 years.

The Massachusetts Court dictated the "reformulation" of marriage based on a law intended to secure the rights of women. As both men and women have the right to marry, there was no discrimination based on 'sex', unless one posits that there are more than two sexes. Nope; still only two.

The Court noted that it's ruling left intact the prohibitions against bigamy & polygamy. Then why mention it? Because the logic of the Court's ruling demands that these prohibitions go as well. Since the Court maintained that bi-sexuals have marriage 'rights', surely we can't ask a bi-sexual to choose between marrying a man or a woman. That would be discrimination based on 'sex'. And would even force the bi-sexual to discriminate against others based on 'sex'! No, fairness demands that he/she be allowed to marry both simultaneously.

Goodbye, polygamy laws. Goodbye, bigamy laws. Incest? Why, our science will deal with that. By making marriage mean everything, we will have made it mean nothing. Goodbye, marriage.

For those of you who don't think the state of other people's marriages affect you, I'd urge you to get a flat tire after dark in a neighborhood where fathers have been replaced by welfare checks. But pay your taxes first; we'll need to keep those checks coming after you're gone.

This is not about civil rights, except in this sense; while conservatives are trying to eliminate identity politics, the proponents also demand the Full Monty of "civil-rights": speech codes, hiring preferences, mandatory sensitivity training, political indoctrination of schoolchildren, special voting districts, etc., etc.. Homosexual 'marriage' would not be the end of this, merely the beginning.

I fully support a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as a union of one man and one woman only. I'd like to see a minimum age requirement also, as I believe this will be next on the agenda. But any Amendment must be uncluttered with terms clearly defined.

Because, contrary to the opinion of judicial tyrants, words do have meanings. For example;

"...this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth."

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Blowing Off Esteem 

"The basic principle of the new education is to be that dunces and idlers must not be made to feel inferior to intelligent and industrious pupils. That would be "undemocratic." These differences between pupils--for they are obviously and nakedly individual differences-- must be disguised. This can be done at various levels. At universities, examinations must be framed so that nearly all the students get good marks. Entrance examinations must be framed so that all, or nearly all, citizens can go to universities, whether they have any power (or wish) to profit by higher education or not. At schools, the children who are too stupid or lazy to learn languages and mathematics and elementary science can be set to doing things that children used to do in their spare time. Let, them, for example, make mud pies and call it modeling. But all the time there must be no faintest hint that they are inferior to the children who are at work. Whatever nonsense they are engaged in must have--I believe the English already use the phrase--"parity of esteem." An even more drastic scheme is now possible. Children who are fit to proceed to a higher class may be artificially kept back, because the others would get a trauma -- Beelzebub, what a useful word!--by being left behind. The bright pupil thus remains democratically fettered to his own age group throughout his school career, and a boy who would be capable of tackling Aeschylus or Dante sits listening to his coeval's attempts to spell out A CAT SAT ON A MAT." --C.S. Lewis, 'Screwtape Proposes A Toast', 1959.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Mr. Derbyshire's Lament 

THAT'S What Friends Are For

His latest column:

"The way things are developing here, our ancient liberties will soon be just a disconnected archipelago of shrinking islands, separated by the rising waters of political correctness and patrolled by DAs and trial lawyers in full combat dress, armed with flame-throwers so they can zap any impertinent piece of vegetation that dares push up a green shoot through the baked dead soil."

"I need to do some serious thinking about my future. I hold a lot of incorrect opinions about all sorts of things; and, having grown up in the age before PC, I have never internalized the necessary restraints nor mastered the necessary techniques of double-think. Looking at this new "hate-crimes" legislation coming up — bipartisan, of course! — I find myself wondering how much longer I shall be able to stay out of jail, much less be employable by any respectable organ of opinion."

"I am perfectly serious. A friend of mine, a brilliant, well-educated, and civilized man with opinions very much like my own, is currently having his tax records demanded by the Southern Poverty Law Center, a federally funded organization dedicated to stamping out Bad Thoughts. My friends is suspected of having Bad Thoughts, you see. He is therefore obliged to forfeit several hundred hours of his time, unpaid, to the SPLC busybodies, and may very well end up forfeiting his property and freedom."

"I myself have lots of Bad Thoughts. Maybe I should move to China, where, for all the systemic deficiences and officials with their hands out, the category of Bad Thoughts is better-defined and...smaller. And shrinking, not growing."

Derb's friend, Noah Millman, answers:

"The folks who think this country is nothing but a proposition are wrong; it is a hearth and home, not merely an abstraction. But that it is more than a proposition does not change the fact that it is a proposition. This country stands for something. We are the largest Republic in history, among the longest-lived, among the very few in history of democratic character. We are the sterling example of ordered liberty and self-government in human history. I do not think it is outrageous to assert that we are, as a great President put it in a time of desperate national trial, the last best hope of earth."

"You swore, not long ago, to 'support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic.' Do our laws, our Constitution lack for these? It seems to me your complaint is that these very enemies have wearied you, and put you in mind of flight if not surrender. That will not do. You undertook this obligation 'freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion' and invoked the Deity's aid in fulfilling it. If you shuck it aside, what will you say when you meet Him?"

"We are talking about Freedom, its decay, and how that decay is to be reversed if its stoutest partisans give up the fight for flight. By all means, move to Alabama (though our dinners will be less frequent then). Save your pennies for a beach house in that nice Chinese city; call it a hedge against political risk, the kind of insurance the Hong Kong Chinese took out in Vancouver before 1997. But please, the week before Thanksgiving, don't talk seriously about giving up on the U.S.A.."


"I'm starting with the man in the mirror..." 


Michael Jackson announced today that he will open a chain of Neverland Theme Parks around the country, in order to generate revenue for his legal defense fund.

Attractions planned for the parks are said to include "It's A Small Boy, After All", "The Young-le Cruise", "Pirates of The Hairless Teen", "Space Mount-him", "Big Tender Moanin' Railroad", "The Enchanted Tikki Bird/Chicken Hawk Room", "The Hall of Pubescents", "Dumbo the Flying Elephant Man", "The Swiss Family Robbing Sons of their Childhood Treehouse", "Peter Pan's Unlawful Flight Across State Lines" and "The Haunted Man/Boy".

"We want it to be a place where families, especially families with young boys ages 8 to 13, can come, relax and walk around; all our parks are pedo...pedo...pedestrian-friendly. And feel free to dangle your daughters over the balcony of Cinderella's Castle; after all, they're just girls; or leave the boys overnight," ejaculated Jacko. "For reservations, call 1-800-NAMBLA, and I'll send you an unlimited credit card until your reservations go away. Say...would you like to touch my monkey? tee-hee," giggled the moral midgit.

"A-B-C, It's as easy as Ol' Sparky..."

It's Only Words 

''Halifax believed that Chamberlain was misled and defeated by his phrases as much as anything else; phrases which he did not really believe in, such as 'Peace in our time'.''- a 24 year-old JFK

Sharp Knife Issues Our Endorsement for '04... 


The President has failed to control spending and government growth.

He has urged Arafat on the Israelis and ignored Arafat's murder of our own diplomats.

He has supported protectionism for one specific American industry.

He has sometimes failed on 2nd Amendment issues, immigration policy & race preferences.

Yes, he has cut taxes and the economy seems to be turning around. And while he has appointed some good judges, he has not fought hard enough for others, and hasn't given an often hostile Senate the sound thrashing they so richly deserve.

The President has, for the most part, vigorously confronted our most dangerous adversaries, correctly identifying them as 'evil' to the chagrin of the Euro-elites. And for this, I give him credit. But it is not enough. For all these reasons and more, I cannot support the re-election...of President Ronald W. Reagan in 1984.

I will, however, be supporting President George W. Bush in 2004.

For this:

"The evil is in plain sight. The danger only increases with denial. Great responsibilities fall once again to the great democracies. We will face these threats with open eyes, and we will defeat them."

"Whatever has come before, we now have only two options: to keep our word, or to break our word. The failure of democracy in Iraq would throw its people back into misery and turn that country over to terrorists who wish to destroy us. ...We did not charge hundreds of miles into the heart of Iraq and pay a bitter cost of casualties, and liberate 25 million people, only to retreat before a band of thugs and assassins."

We do not get to choose perfect candidates. I, for one, will not let the 'perfect' be the enemy of the 'good', to the benefit of the stupid and the evil.

Nor should you. Vote Reagan in '84...

And Bush in '04!

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Judaism’s Sexual Revolution: 

Why Judaism (and then Christianity) Rejected Homosexuality by Dennis Prager

"When Judaism demanded that all sexual activity be channeled into marriage, it changed the world. The Torah's prohibition of non-marital sex quite simply made the creation of Western civilization possible. Societies that did not place boundaries around sexuality were stymied in their development. The subsequent dominance of the Western world can largely be attributed to the sexual revolution initiated by Judaism and later carried forward by Christianity."

"To a world which divided human sexuality between penetrator and penetrated, Judaism said, “You are wrong — sexuality is to be divided between male and female.” To a world which saw women as baby producers unworthy of romantic and sexual attention, Judaism said “You are wrong — women must be the sole focus of men's erotic love.” To a world which said that sensual feelings and physical beauty were life's supreme goods, Judaism said, “You are wrong — ethics and holiness are the supreme goods.” A thousand years before Roman emperors kept naked boys, Jewish kings were commanded to write and keep a sefer torah, a book of the Torah."

"The bedrock of this civilization, and of Jewish life, has been the centrality and purity of family life. But the family is not a natural unit so much as it is a value that must be cultivated and protected. The Greeks assaulted the family in the name of beauty and Eros. The Marxists assaulted the family in the name of progress. And today, gay liberation assaults it in the name of compassion and equality. I understand why gays would do this. Life has been miserable for many of them. What I have not understood was why Jews or Christians would join the assault. I do now. They do not know what is at stake. At stake is our civilization."

"It is very easy to forget what Judaism has wrought and what Christians have created in the West. But those who loathe this civilization never forget. The radical Stanford University faculty and students who recently chanted, “Hey, hey, ho, ho, Western civ has got to go,” were referring to much more than their university's syllabus. And no one is chanting that song more forcefully than those who believe and advocate that sexual behavior doesn't play a role in building or eroding civilization. The acceptance of homosexuality as the equal of heterosexual marital love signifies the decline of Western civilization as surely as the rejection of homosexuality and other nonmarital sex made the creation of this civilization possible."

The entire article is here.
(via Baldilocks)

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Make Mine Steyn 

"The war stopped six months ago, some 80 per cent of Iraq is peaceful and well governed, and the overwhelming majority of Iraqis I spoke to when I was there want the Americans to stay, rather than cut and run like the UN, Oxfam and co. But screw the Iraqi people; the "peace" crowd know better than the ignorant natives what's good for them."

"There's "no connection" between Saddam and al-Qa'eda, because radical Islamists would never make common cause with secular Ba'athists. Or so we're told by pro-gay, pro-feminist Eurolefties who thus make common cause with honour-killing, sodomite-beheading Islamists, apparently crediting Saddam with a greater degree of intellectual coherence than they credit themselves."

Oh, yes; there's more.

Dept. of 'What HE Said': 

"With money comes power over the world. Men are freed from drudgery, women from exploitation. Businesses can be started, homes built, communities formed, religions practiced, educations pursued. But liberals aren't very interested in such real and material freedoms. They have a more innocent - not to say toddlerlike - idea of freedom. Liberals want the freedom to put anything into their mouths, to say bad words and to expose their private parts in art museums. That liberals aren't enamored of real freedom may have something to do with responsibility - that cumbersome backpack which all free men have to lug on life's aerobic nature hike. The second item in the liberal creed, after self-righteousness, is unaccountability. Liberals have invented whole college majors - psychology, sociology, women's studies - to prove that nothing is anybody's fault. No one is fond of taking responsibility for his actions, but consider how much you'd have to hate free will to come up with a political platform that advocates killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers." - P.J. O'Rourke

Monday, November 17, 2003

'What About Hill?' 


Hillary recently appeared with the 9 Dwarves in Des Moines, where she claimed she was "embarrassed" by Pres. George W. Bush.

"This is excellent news," said Ms. Clinton's therapist, Dr. Crane E. M. Shrinker. "I think we've made a breakthrough."

"Most meglomaniacal sociopaths are usually incapable of being embarrassed...or is that 'sociopathic meglomaniacs'? Oh, well; no matter," said Dr. Shrinker. "For example, the patient was not embarrased by taking that cattle futures payoff. Or by railroading Billy Dale, an innocent man. Nor was she embarrassed by hanging sex toys on the White House Christmas Tree, pardoning terrorists for votes or stealing White House furniture. So for her to finally feel some embarrassment means we are making excellent theraputic progress."

In her speech, Ms. Clinton also said "The president instead, when the rest of the world opened its heart to us, he turned his back."

The Government of France (aka; 'the rest of the world') immediately issued a statement backing up Clinton's assertion: "We love Americans when zey are killed. We despise them only when zey fight back. Hey; come to think of it, zat is also our Israel policy!"

After her appearance, Hillary!'04 invited the press to an old-fashioned Iowa Ice Cream Social at the local S&M Root Beer Shoppe, where she walked on their backs with stiletto heels and commanded them to "hurry the hell up" and create an opening for her candidacy. The press were very grateful. Reportedly.

"Hmmm...we may have to address this in our next session," said Dr. Shrinker.

Sunday, November 16, 2003


"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality. A chastity or honesty or mercy which yields to danger will be chaste or honest or merciful only on conditions. Pilate was merciful until it became risky." -C.S. Lewis

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Thou Shalt Not...what's that word I'm looking for...? 

Steal. Yeah; that's it.

This smells like thievery to me:

"MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — A jury yesterday ordered Exxon Mobil Corp. to pay $11.9 billion in damages after finding the oil giant had cheated the state of Alabama out of natural gas royalties."

"The jury, which began deliberating Thursday, awarded $63.6 million in compensatory damages and $11.8 billion in punitive damages, a record in the state."

"...juror L.A. Wallace said Exxon's size and the state's {financial}problems were a factor in the decision to award more than the state's attorneys sought against the oil company.

"A billion dollars to them is chump change," said Mr. Wallace, who works at a plastics factory."

"In closing arguments Wednesday, Mr. Cunningham said the state had been shorted $63.6 million in royalties..."

"In trading on the New York Stock Exchange, Exxon Mobil shares were down 26 cents to close at $36."

If it's true that Exxon cheated Alabama, and that's not clear to me, then I could see doulbling or tripling the amount owed for punitive purposes. But 12 Billion?

Congratulations, Montgomery; you've just jumped to the top of this list.

Suggestion, Alabamans: Go on back to the Courthouse. Pass through the Federal Bible detectors and enter the Courthouse. Get the keys to the storage room from the janitor. Inside the storage room, you'll find a large slab of granite with a list inscribed upon it. I commend items #8 and #10 for your perusal.

Maybe there's an exclusion for theft by jury.

But I doubt it.

More Teddyness 

"To say that the thriftless, the lazy, the vicious, the incapable, ought to have the reward given to those who are far-sighted, capable, and upright, is to say what is not true and can not be true. Let us try to level up, but let us beware of the evil of levelling down. If a man stumbles, it is a good thing to help him to his feet. Every one of us needs a helping hand now and then. But if a man lies down, it is a waste of time to try to carry him; and it is a very bad thing for every one if we make men feel that the same reward will come to those who shirk their work and to those who do it. " - T.R.

What Does Love Mean? 


When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 6

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 6

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

(Pilfered lovingly from the Curmudgeon, who we suspect is not so curmudgeonly after all.)

Thursday, November 13, 2003

I Hate 'Hate Crimes' 


From the Washington Times:

""People have got to grow up and realize that that's an important issue to many, many people in our society and nobody should be discriminated against," Mr. Hatch said recently."

Sen. Hatch needs to grow up and realize that many people think a two-tiered justice system IS discrimination.

If your loved one was viciously attacked, would you run to the DA and ask him not to treat it as one of those important 'hate-crimes', but as an ordinary, run-of-the-mill offense?

Some distinction can be made for property; children who chalk a hopscotch board on a sidewalk should not be treated like someone who spraypaints swastikas on headstones. But our Constitution respects individuals; and every violent crime is a 'hate-crime' to that individual victim.

One need only think back to the dishonest and, yes, hateful, ad campaign run by the NAACP against Gov. George W. Bush. He was castigated for not supporting a hate-crimes bill in the wake of James Byrd's dragging death...even though the killers recieved the Death Penalty! Would sensitivity training on the way to the chair really make a difference?

I don't care whether a gun-man opens fire in a church, a gay bar or a shopping mall...I want him executed, and preferably within the same century as his victims.

The fact is many of us suspect that these laws are a way to supress dissent...dissent from one side of the political spectrum, that is. For example, a priest in England is being investigated by police under British hate-crime laws for suggesting that some homosexuals might benefit from psychological treatment. Agree or not...but a 'crime'??? By adopting every bad idea of the last half-century, Britain has gone from a safe island with unarmed police to a crime-infested nanny state. Their answer: ignore real crime and prosecute thought-crime. No thank you, very much sir; I'll not have another.

We need to enforce the laws we already have.

For example, let's take the case of two Professional Racists; we'll call them, oh, David Duke & Al Sharpton.

Duke cheated on his taxes. He's in prison now. Good.

Sharpton incited a race riot and got 8 people killed. He's running for President now. As a Democrat. The Party that believes in hate-crime laws. Right.

Too many citizens feel the need to sleep with a gun beside their beds because we have been too soft on criminals. That's the real crime. Criminals should be the ones fearing for their safety...not law-abiding citizens.

I'll gladly support laws against violent Hate-Crimes...

as soon as someone explains to me what constitutes a 'Love-Crime'.

Besides a Liza Minnelli wedding, an Orrin Hatch torch ballad or a date with Teddy Kennedy, I mean.

There's a 'grown-up' question for you, Senator Hatch.

Just Like 'Nam ? 

Mr. Gelertner thinks so.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Veteran's Day 

When God gave us life, we were also given the right to be free.

But in this world, until such time as God causes the lion to lay down with the lamb, that right must always be jealously guarded & defended.

And veterans have been defending our freedom since before there even WAS a United States of America.

Teddy Roosevelt once said "I have a perfect horror of words that are not backed up by deeds."

Our vets have backed up their word by their deeds...and then some.

Thanks, vets.

Bush adopts Steyn Doctrine! 


Adam Wolfson at NRO:

"Bush's speech hearkens back to the "idealistic realism" of Theodore Roosevelt and Henry Cabot Lodge. The case President Bush made is not the Wilsonian one of making the world safe for democracy. Rather, his abiding concern, as was TR's, is to make the world safe for the United States."

"Here's what Bush said: He pointed out that 60 years of a cold, calculating "realism" in our foreign policy towards the Middle East — one that accommodated despots as long as they were on "our side" — made the country neither safe nor served our national interest."

"There can be no community of concern between democrats and non-democrats. As Bush put it, "in the long run, stability cannot be purchased at the expense of liberty. As long as the Middle East remains a place where freedom does not flourish, it will remain a place of...violence ready for export."

This is, of course, the Steyn Doctrine:

"Rather than making Arabia a Crown colony within the Empire, sending out Lord Whatnot as Governor, issuing banknotes bearing the likeness of George V, setting up courts presided over by judges in full-bottomed wigs, and introducing a professional civil service and a free press, the British instead mulled over which sheikh was likely to prove more pliable, installed him in the capital and suggested he send his sons to Eton and Sandhurst. The French did the same, and so, later, did the Americans."

"This was cheaper than colonialism and less politically prickly, but it did a great disservice to the populations of those countries."

"This system of cherrypicking from a barrel-load of unsavoury potential clients was summed up in the old CIA line: ‘He may be a sonofabitch but he’s our sonofabitch.’"

"The inverse is more to the point: he may be our sonofabitch, but he’s a sonofabitch."

"The worst example of this is Saudi Arabia, the source of many — if not all — of our present woes."

"The Beltway guys may talk about realpolitik, but they’re pikers compared with the House of Saud."

"Chances are, while you’re reading this, some hapless female member of the Royal house is having contractions. Because if there’s one thing Saudi Arabia can always use, it’s another prince."

"By backing and enriching Ibn Saud’s swollen progeny, the US has put all its eggs into one basket-case."

"By comparison with the sonofabitch system, colonialism is progressive and enlightened. If, as the bonehead peaceniks parrot, poverty breeds instability, then what’s the best way to tackle poverty? The rule of law, a market economy, emancipation of women — all the things you’re never going to get under most present Middle East regimes or any of the ones likely to overthrow them."

"The viability of being a non-imperial superpower was demolished on September 11th. For its own security, it needs to do what it did to Japan and Germany after the war: civilise them."

"If neo-colonialism makes you squeamish, give it some wussified Clinto-Blairite name like ‘global community outreach’."

Secretary Steyn. I like the sound of that.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

The Press, Offensive 

Much of the press is in full Vietnam mode. But the most striking similarity to Vietnam is that once again, many reporters have decided America should lose. Whether blinded by hack partisanship or having absorbed the leftist critique of America into their very bones, much of the reporting reflects their defeatism.

Denis Boyles has a solution:

"I think it's time we brought all the journalists home. If it's necessary, we can always devise a smarter set of policies for Iraq. But no matter what, we're never going to be able to build a smarter press corps.
And if Iraq truly is another Vietnam, what history can teach us is that cheesy reporting leads to lost wars and Cambodia-sized body counts."

He has an unlikely ally:

"Walter Cronkite still stands, Durantylike, behind his Tet offensive broadcast in 1968, a piece of work that gave credence to all the crisis-jive reported before him by other, even worse journos, and set a precedent that hasn't served CBS or the media well since. Thanks to more reasonable journalists, such as Robert Bartley, who visited the topic of Tet last week in the Wall Street Journal ("The truth about the Tet offensive is that we won") and the late Peter Braestrup, whose classic Big Story is the definitive study of media malpractice during and after Tet, we now know how lousy the journalism coming from Vietnam really was. Is it reasonable to expect anything better from Iraq, especially now that the war against terrorism has been so highly politicized in the press?"

"Is this censorship? But of course! Fortunately, Cronkite's on my side in this one. "I'm for censorship," the Guardian reported him telling the Newsworld International conference in Dublin. He points out that during World War II, all dispatches were vetted by the military. Despite that, democracy survived. Or maybe it was because of that."

"After 35 years, it's about time Walter was right about something. Bring the boys and girls of the press back home. License them, maybe. Make them take a written exam or something. If they pass, send them back to Qatar to attend briefings. All's fair in love and war. If Madonna and Guy Ritchie could keep the media out of their wedding, then surely the U.S. should be able to keep the press out of Iraq."

By the way, Phil Donahue recently said "Today, Walter Cronkite would not get a job. And that's a fact." Uhhh, Phil...isn't it YOU who can't get a job in TV anymore?


""I believe we have to be very careful about reporting information that will be of comfort to the enemy.""

""Either our own losses or the deposition of forces - that's military information that simply cannot be shared with the enemy.""

""On the other hand, full reporting has to be given to the American nation whose troops are fighting in the action.""

""It was done in the second world war. American people were given full reports on what their troops were doing, but every word we wrote had to pass through censorship.""

"It was inevitable, Cronkite added, that journalists embedded with troops in Iraq took on their point of view to a large extent."

"There has been criticism in the UK of the way in the unquestioning stance adopted by some {only some?!!} American TV networks during the war, but Cronkite argued a certain amount of patriotism could not be avoided." {could not be 'avoided'?}

""I think it was about as objective as we can expect in a war time situation where journalists are covering the military of their own country," he said."

""I wouldn't expect a reporter to be anything less than understanding of their own troops in action. The temptation to use the word 'we' is almost inescapable."" { It's 'escaped' quite a few recently.}

""It was the same situation in the second world war, in Vietnam. When we're down in the trenches with the troops, we're part of that operation. Our reporting should be clearly as objective as we can make it, but the fact that we are on that side cannot be escaped.""

Sadly it can be 'escaped', Walter.

Anyway, the press should not be censored except for military info. They are indeed free to slant distort & even fabricate news to their hearts' content.

Just as I am free to call them amoral defeatist parasites with all the integrity of a Kremlin beat-reporter for the old Pravda.

And that's the way it is.

Mea Culpa 


Howard Dean issued a non-apology apology, which I found non-deeply, deeply moving. But he made it look like so much fun, I think I'm going to apologize for my previous 'Rockefeller' post:

First, I apologize to Republicans for calling you 'Occasionally Lame'. Compared to Democrats, ye are as gods, soaring on the wings of eagles.

And as for calling the Democrats the 'Stupid AND Evil Party', I apologize for all the pain my remarks may have caused in both the Stupid and Evil communities. Sure, you're evil and stupid; but you certainly don't deserve to be compared to Democrats.

I hope you've enjoyed this difficult and painful national conversation as much as I have.

If not, you are sorry...and I accept your apology.

See; that wasn't so hard, was it?

Saturday, November 08, 2003

This Means War 

Frank J. nails it:

"There are our men and women fighting and dying out there. They are fighting for us and they are fighting for a people yearning to live free from tyranny. And I just can't understand how the phrase "We are losing a soldier a day," can be followed by anything other than, "so let's get those f**king bastards.""

And Beaker sees it that way, too. So do these guys:

"In retaliation, American troops backed by Bradley fighting vehicles swept through Iraqi neighborhoods before dawn Saturday, blasting houses suspected of being hideouts for anti-coalition forces with machine guns and heavy weapons fire."

""This is to remind the town that we have teeth and claws and we will use them," said Lt. Col. Steven Russell, commander of the 1st Battalion, 22nd Infantry Regiment."

"Russell also said the 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. curfew, which had been lifted at the Oct. 27 start in Iraq of the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, was reinstated Friday night."

And so do I.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

P.J. Goes to the Protest 

"Max found campus feminists to interview. One admitted that the Taliban's treatment of women was terrible and said the United States should have done something earlier, "in the name of women."

"Wouldn't that involve war?" Max asked.

"Yeah, it's a tricky one," the feminist said. "There might be some nonviolent approach such as micro-lending.""

Can't make this stuff up.

Just when you thought they couldn't go any lower 


"Intelligence issues are clearly secondary to the public's concern regarding the insurgency in Iraq. Yet, we have an important role to play in the revealing the misleading -- if not flagrantly dishonest methods and motives -- of the senior administration officials who made the case for a unilateral, preemptive war. The approach outline above seems to offer the best prospect for exposing the administration's dubious motives and methods."

misleading. flagrantly dishonest. unilateral. preemptive war. dubious motives.

This is how Democrats view any effort to defend this country.

I'll be the first to admit that Republicans can be pretty lame at times.

But it's official: Democrats are now both the Stupid AND the Evil Party.

Hmm...Stupid n' Evil vs. the Occasionally Lame...

Vote 'Lame'!

What If You Knew Her 

I've advocated for the Death Penalty. I believe it is the proper moral ---yes, moral--response to heinous, wanton murder.

But if this animal doesn't get it, maybe we should just forget it. Maybe we should just tell the world that we don't have any f**king balls at all anymore. Let's just admit that, frankly, we don't give a damn if you kill us by the dozens.

48 women. Sisters. Mothers. Daughters. As young as 15. 48 of them.

Somebody tell me the moral difference between this guy and bin Laden.

Yeah; I didn't think so.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Denial Is A River On the Potomac 

The US has offered 5 million dollars reward for the capture of those who recently killed 3 American diplomatic bodyguards. And the PLO perpetrators are in charge of the investigation.

Arafat did it. Where's my money?

Why do we insist on pretending otherwise?

Norman Doidge: "No one survives as long as Yasser Arafat--forty years as a terrorist--unless he knows something important about the weak spots in Western psychology....as a terrorist who lacks a conscience, {he}can see things that those who have a conscience cannot. It is these insights that have preserved Yasser Arafat."

"Arafat has discovered, as Shakespeare understood, that the more brazen and relentless one's acts of brutality, the more likely it is that one will be allowed a second chance, and find even powerful men of conscience coming to one's door offering to forget, to forgive, and to give forgiveness a bad name."

Suggestion: Take my 5 mil reward, buy a daisy-cutter, paint Amb. Cleo Noel's name on it and shove it up that murdering bastard's arse.

The first step on the roadmap to recovery is to admit you have a problem.

Do It 'For The Children' 


"...remember that the chief of blessings for any nation is that it shall leave its seed to inherit the land. It was the crown of blessings in Biblical times; and it is the crown of blessings now. The greatest of all curses is the curse of sterility, and the severest of all condemnations should be that visited upon wilful sterility. The first essential in any civilization is that the man and the woman shall be father and mother of healthy children, so that the race shall increase and not decrease. If this is not so, if through no fault of the society there is failure to increase, it is a great misfortune. If the failure is due to deliberate and wilful fault, then it is not merely a misfortune, it is one of those crimes of ease and self-indulgence, of shrinking from pain and effort and risk, which in the long run Nature punishes more heavily than any other. If we of the great republics, if we, the free people who claim to have emancipated ourselves from the thraldom of wrong and error, bring down on our heads the curse that comes upon the wilfully barren, then it will be an idle waste of breath to prattle of our achievements, to boast of all that we have done. No refinement of life, no delicacy of taste, no material progress, no sordid heaping up of riches, no sensuous development of art and literature, can in any way compensate for the loss of the great fundamental virtues; and of these great fundamental virtues the greatest is the race's power to perpetuate the race." -TR

Monday, November 03, 2003

Give Ireland Back To The Irish 


Patricia Ireland was recently fired from her job as the head of the Young Women's Christian Association (Y.W.C.A.).

However, she was quickly hired by the Aging Manly Atheist Nags (A.M.A.N.). "AMAN is a much better fit anyway," said Mz. Ireland.

She attributed her unemployment to "this lousy Bush economy" and her immediate re-employment to "the continuing Clinton economic boom".

When Ferdinand Met Elsie 

Aaron throws a Two Cow-Pie in Lefty's face.

Then click "current" in the rantblogger archives (or here) to see the last, best hope of France. Ooh La La!

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Euro-Press Retort 


This guy is becoming one of my favorite writers:

"Poles are exactly like the French, except that they are trustworthy, hard-working, don't whine, understand the truth of their own history, love foreigners, and take care of their families. And talk about a sense of humor? Listen, some of my best jokes are Polish jokes. The rest are from the Catskills. Thank you. I'll be here all weekend."

Denis Boyles' latest, and his archives. Sample:

"...why British newspaper editors should never write about religion: The DailyTelegraph's new chief, Martin Newland, has committed an editorial on what he supposes is the importance of ecclesiastical unity. His grasp of church history is especially clammy:
"Women," he writes, "began to be pushed to the sidelines as ministers only when the Church re-adopted the notion of the minister as cultic mediator." That Newland — just a regular Gaia."

...C’est la guerre !

Michael Kelly, One Year Ago: 

The late Mr. Kelly's physical, moral & intellectual courage:

"The general trump-it-all insult that the antiwar crowd aims at the pro-war crowd these days is a neat little portmanteau term that manages to impute, at once, cowardice, ignorance, selfishness, bloodlust (as long as the blood spills from others' veins) and hypocrisy: "chicken hawk.""

""Chicken hawk" is interesting as an insult because it is such a pure example of reactionary thinking or, rather, the substitution of reaction for thinking. It is the sort of thing you say when you need to stop the argument in its tracks because you simply can't bear to address its realities...the power of the reactionary argument-stopper is in inverse correlation with any underlying truth. "

"Its power lies in the simplicity that comes with being completely wrong. The central implication here is that only men who have professionally endured war have the moral standing and the experiential authority to advocate war. That is, in this country at least, a radical and ahistorical view. The Founders, who knew quite well the dangers of a military class supreme, were clear in their conviction that the judgment of professional warmakers must be subordinated to the command of ignorant amateurs -- civilian leaders who were in turn subordinated to the command of civilian voters. Such has given us the leadership in war of such notable "chicken hawks" as Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt."

"Further, the inescapable logic of "chicken hawk"-calling is that only military men have standing to pronounce in any way on war -- to advocate it or to advocate against it. The decision not to go to war involves exactly the same issues of experiential and moral authority as does the decision to go to war. If a past of soldiering is required for one, it is required for the other."

"In liberated Kuwait City, one vast crime scene, I toured the morgue one day and inspected torture and murder victims left behind by the departing Iraqis."

"After that, I never again could stand the arguments of those who sat in the luxury of safety -- "advocating nonresistance behind the guns of the American Fleet," as George Orwell wrote of World War II pacifists -- and held that the moral course was, in crimes against humanity as in crimes on the street corner: Better not to get involved, dear."

What he said. And he could say it.

I Just Wanna' Be 


"I believe that a man must be a good patriot before he can be, and as the only possible way of being, a good citizen of the world. Experience teaches us that the average man who protests that his international feeling swamps his national feeling, that he does not care for his country because he cares so much for mankind, in actual practice proves himself the foe of mankind; that the man who says that he does not care to be a citizen of any one country, because he is a citizen of the world, is in very fact usually an exceedingly undesirable citizen of whatever corner of the world he happens at the moment to be in. In the dim future all moral needs and moral standards may change; but at present, if a man can view his own country and all other countries from the same level with tepid indifference, it is wise to distrust him, just as it is wise to distrust the man who can take the same dispassionate view of his wife and his mother."-Teddy Roosevelt at the Sorbonne, 1910.

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