Thursday, May 29, 2003

I was a little dismayed

to read at Cold Fury of a poll that placed Clinton third among Presidents.

So I did a little digging. Turns out, it's not really accurate. Surprise!

First, here's the opinion piece by DeWayne Wickham that puts Clinton in third place:

"Some two years after he left office hounded by right-wing detractors and stained by his affair with Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton now ranks as this nation's third best chief executive, according to a recent CNN/USA TODAY/Gallup Poll."

"Only Abraham Lincoln (chosen by 15%) and John F. Kennedy (13%) finished ahead of Clinton (11%) in the April poll, which asked Americans who was "the greatest" president. George W. Bush managed to TIE Clinton for third place."

What's that? Bush, after only two-and-a-half years, "managed" to tie a 2-term President who has been on a legacy-rehab tour since the minute the moving vans drove away with the stolen furniture? Since they tied, Bush could just as easily have been rated third, no? Imagine Perot, Bush I & Clinton each had the same number of electoral votes in 1992 ...by Wickham's logic, Clinton wins!

But that's typical lib-spin. The fundamental problem lies in the structure of the Gallup poll.

The poll, here, asks 'Who was the Greatest President"...not who was second or third. It's a parlimentary-type vote. In other words, it doesn't determine who number one is and then ask everyone, "Okay, now who is number two?" or, better yet, give people a list of Presidents and have them put them in order.

The votes are split. Not unlike a Presidential race where, say, 2 Republican candidates each get 33% of the vote so the single Democrat candidate wins with 34%...even though either Republican would have won hands down, had not the votes been split.

Imagine a beauty contest. There are four contestants: Miss Drop-dead Gorgeous, Miss Pretty, Miss Okay and Miss Helen Thomas. Miss Thomas has a dedicated partisan following of 21% of the crowd. But that is her max; 79% of the audience would never vote for her under any condition.
You ask the audience: "Which ONE is the most beautiful?". Miss Gorgeous wins with 40%. Miss Thomas gets her 21%, no more, no less. Miss Pretty gets 20% and Miss Okay gets 19%. Thomas comes in 2nd.

But if you then say: "Alright, Miss Gorgeous is the winner; who is second-most beautiful?", Miss Pretty gets 40%, Miss Okay gets 30% and Miss Helen Thomas gets her 21% again, coming in 4th, not 2nd. And a full 9% of the audience is still retching in the aisles from the thong swimsuit competition.

And I'm not even addressing issues of historical literacy or credit/blame for things that happen pre-Presidency(Jefferson's 'Declaration') or post-Presidency( Carter's home-building).

I seriously doubt Clinton would be placed third or even fourth in a fairly constructed ranking system. I place him 44th out of 43 Presidencies--he lost to co-President Hillary for 43rd place.

Poll any Czech or Check any Pole...Clinton's still a loser.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

There's a New Kid in Town

Jeff is doing some great stuff at his new 'Repatriate'.

He notes that Canada seems to plagued...in the Biblical sense. But the Health Service is on the case: Jesse Ventura's feather boa cures Mad Cow! I dunno...It didn't for Jesse. Wrestlers to the Rescue!

Brain Drains Petain's Mains!

Water you saying? Yes. Exactly!

The NY Times new motto:

"Why Just Invent News, When You Can Invent Photos, Too?"

Does anybody think the "Roadmap" will work?



Yeah. Me neither. Or is it 'either'? Oh well.

Me too.

"'Free verse'? You may as well call sleeping in a ditch 'free architecture'."---G.K. Chesterton.

This week's reading list

"Before Their Time" by novelist Robert Kotlowitz is an interesting fox-hole soldier's eye-view of basic training & a minor WWII skirmish that went terribly wrong. Quirky, but interesting.

"Useful Idiots" by Mona Charen. I'm about halfway through this one. Things that stand out so far:

1.) Reagan's 'Evil Empire' speech to evangelicals. His warning against moral equivocation still stands up, spiritually, logically, morally & politically. And still obtains.
2.) How techniques of lying, fabrication, slanting, distortion, manipulation, omission and propaganda we've seen recently were first honed to perfection during Vietnam.
and 3.) How so many of the Democrats then wanted not just to get America out of 'Nam, but sought a Communist victory. Some are still around (*ahem*ChrisDodd). No one under 30 has ever lived when the Donks gave a damn about national security.

"October Fury" by Peter A. Hutchausen. Haven't started this one yet, but Mona Charen noted that Johnson's advisers thought the lesson of the Cuban Missle Crisis was that a slow ratcheting-up of pressure worked. The NV saw it as weakness.

"Sisterhood of Spies" by Elizabeth P. McIntosh. Some interesting tales of women in the CIA precursor, the OSS.
The author, an OSS/CIA veteran herself, mentions how the OSS had Marlene Dietrich record many songs in German, although in violation of copyright laws. She was very effective against German morale. The Dixie Chicks are following Dietrich's lead, issuing a mini-CD of 'French Victory Anthems', a one-song collection celebrating the Sinking of the Rainbow Warrior.

"Theodore Roosevelt" by Kathleen Dalton. This is pretty good so far. It's where I found the anecdote about the Times editor firing his Gatling gun into the rioting mob. Oh, the chill wind!
The author seems kinda hung up on his mother's "neurasthenia", a female neurosis demonstrated every time MoDo writes another column.
TR's young life symbolized the Civil War; his father a Lincoln advisor, his mother related to Confederate officers.

"One World" by Peter Singer, a man so darn ethical he supports killing disabled babies, dating Lassie and conducting medical testing on comatose patients. In an ethical way, of course. ( Is an 'ethicist' someone who is too ethical to call themselves a 'moralist'?).
It's a Trans-national's wish list: ICC, Kyoto, UN uber alles, etc. About the only point I agreed with was not treating the Mugabes of the world as equal to democratically elected leaders. But who is the worst offender in this regard? The UN!
One word for 'One World'; Never.

An Open Letter to Trolls:

I just spent a few seconds deleting some troll posts.

They read like the margin scribblings of a mental patient, sneaking into the warden's office to use the Institute's computer while the warden is at lunch.

My comments section is not a forum for every drunken lefty with access to a keyboard, an hour between classes and a bottle of Colt 45 in a brown paper bag.

I do welcome arguments that are thoughtful, or at least coherent. I don't even mind the occasional profanity, provided it is spelled correctly. But you had better be prepared to defend that argument. And I will take you a little more seriously if you have your own blog with comments.

Otherwise, don't bother. I will delete your brilliant ramblings and ban you. I can do that. I'm a right-winger...we chill dissent 2 or 3 times before getting out of bed in the morning.

This is my blog. It's all about defending America unapologetically from your adolescent philosophy of nihlistic Statism. Don't like it? Tough. You guys don't control the debate anymore.


P.S. All your base are belong to us.

Love, Noel

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

From Bunker Hill to Baghdad...

Our favorite Burkean Biker & Rockabilly Reaganite, Mike at Cold Fury, has a great Memorial Day post...just click through the photos ("Next").

The beauty of it...Mike feels that way all year long! It's his Bagh, Daddy.

Which means the youngsters will probably get rocket-propelled grenades in their stockings this Christmas. Cool!

Monday, May 26, 2003

Remembering, Then & Now...

This Memorial Day, Americans find ourselves involved in the early stages of a global struggle against an ideology of hate, murder & repression.

Yet, we have been here before.

On a bright summer's day in 1943, Americans gathered to honor our dead, while in the midst of a world war against a similarly monstrous evil.

Simliar, yet different.

While these evil scum do control nations, such as Iran, this conflict is less about nation-states than a clique of madmen in many countries, including our own. Then; our enemies proclaimed racial purity; Now; religious purity...but the only pure thing about them is pure hatred.

President Bush correctly uses the term 'Battle of Iraq'. It's one battle in a long war. It's not over.

Which brings up the charge made by the critics; that we are waging 'Permanent War'. Indeed, it is harder to see the endgame of this conflict than it was that day in 1943, but to call the charge a 'half-truth' gives it too much credit--by half.

'Permanent War' is what has been declared against us...We are Americans; we wage Victory.

Here are some images to enjoy from that day, just six short decades ago. Yes, my young friends; I said 'short'; decades aren't what they used to be.

Then, as now, we rode upon the precipice of a cresting wave; unsure exactly where the future would lead, but sure of our purpose and duty, as Almighty G-d gave us the light to see it.

Take some time today to honor those who have given "the last full measure of devotion". Remember them. Some of us have forgotten. 'Memorial' means 'remember'.

And tell your children of those who fell along the way. It's the way that leads to freedom, the freedoms we enjoy on this sunny summer day, 60 years on.

Tell them the truth.

Tell them, after all these years, Freedom still isn't free.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Ever watch a sporting event

that was decided by a bad call?

Now imagine every game, competition & event decided by poor officiating...on purpose. And no fair or impartial referees or umpires need apply.

Now you're beginning to catch a glimpse of Chuckie's World. That's how Schumer views judges.

In Chuckie's World, there is no difference between law & politics. For that matter, there is no difference between your money & the Government's, truth & agit-prop, ends & means or the personal vs. political. Gone are the Constitution's nuanced checks & balances... only the 'will to power' remains. The scary part: Chuckie is New York's most 'conservative' senator.

Read Brian C. Anderson's City Journal article...and while you're there, don't miss Dr. Dalrymple, who serves up this delicious multi-cultural mouthful:

"So it’s Jain vegan today, Aztec cannibal tomorrow. Today we speak English, tomorrow Igbo, and the next day Gujurati. Today it’s equality for women, tomorrow it’s time for forced marriages. Life is a menu: I think I’ll start with the freedom of expression soup, to be followed by a nice theocratic salad."

Click here...or the umps win!

Saturday, May 24, 2003

P.J. O'Rourke reviews 'Moby Dick' :

"There's not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29."

Larry Miller

on 'Mother's Day'.

You want to read this.

Friday, May 23, 2003

'The Castaway Times; A 3 hr. Tour' or ' Hello, Dolly!; The Moosical'
...A Fractured Fairy Tale

"This meeting is called to order," said Pinch, tossing his 'Bullwinkle the Moose' doll onto the conference table, symbolizing permission for everyone to speak freely. "The question before us: 'What about Jayson?' "

Thurston Howell Raines III opened his classic Gilligan's Manhattan Isle Lunch Box and retrieved his 'Ginger' & 'Mary Ann' dolls, placing them, well, gingerly on the polished mahogany. "No one has to mention these to Mrs. Howell," said the editor.

"What's said here, stays here," Pinch reassured him, placing 'Rocky, the Flying Squirrel' next to Bullwinkle, Mary Ann & Ginger.

Thurston stood up. Silently, he placed his 'Rosa Parks' and 'My Maid, Grady' porcelain figurines down on the table. It was obvious he had spent hours fixing their hair, make-up & clothing. He voice trembled; "I kept Jason Blair on so no one would mistake me for Bull Conner," he said, bursting into tears.

Bob Herbert eyed Raines and then the figurines, shaking his head with incredulity. "Can I see those, Thurston?" he asked, offering his pull-string 'Paul Robeson' Hums the Tune to 'Internationale' Doll' in exchange.

Maureen Dowd grabbed the 'Ginger' doll. "She looks just like me!" chirped Maureen with a giggle.

"Dream on," mumbled Thurston under his breath, and, not smelling the vodka, continued with more confidence; "You'll have to put a doll of your own on the table, Mo."

Maureen grudgingly placed her 'Dorothy Parker-Wannabe Rag-Doll' on the table, though never really letting go of the doll's hand. She began to pout. No, she wasn't writing a column; it was just regular pouting.

Enron consultant Paul Krugman stood up, agitation in his voice; "This isn't a doll-collector's convention," setting his fuzzy 'John Maynard Keynes' down.
"We're here to talk about Jayson Blair. When I'm faced with a dilemma, I ask myself 'What would Prof. Sami al-Arian do?'...He's Abe Lincoln, Mother Teresa and Albert Schweitzer all rolled into one, you know," said Krugman.

"You mean 'What would Ken Lay do?', don't you?" said Maureen.

Pinch hit her. Hard. It felt good. Then pitched a perfect 'Gay Ken' doll onto the growing mound. "I let Jayson stay because, well, he seemed rather gay...and conflicted about it," said Pinch, as Maureen sobbed quietly in the corner. She had grown used to it. 'At least I'm growing,' she thought.

Thurston placed his 'Demi Moore as GI Jane' and 'Martha Burk as a Serious Person' action figurettes on the table and said "Yeah, maybe that was part of it, but I also felt sorry for Jayson because he wore glasses. That's visual impairment."

Sy Hersh fished his 'Fidel! Socialist Action Figure/ Complete with Exploding Cigar!' out of one pocket of his trench coat. From the other pocket, he produced a 'Useful Oliver Stone Marionette'. The Fidel doll immediately began pulling Useful Oliver's strings; Oliver didn't seem to mind.
"We have to face facts here...or we could invent them, as usual. I think Blair is a CIA plant," claimed Hersh. He began to search the floral arrangement for hidden microphones. Suddenly, he pulled a wire from the flowers, screamed "Nixon!" and fled from the room. It is believed he was tailed by Ashcroft's Thought Police. In any event, he was never heard from again. In my dream.
By now, Fidel had grown tired of Useful Oliver and abandoned him. That made the marionette admire Fidel all the more. Fidel then struck up a friendly 7-hr. monologue with the Robeson doll.

Pinch surreptitiously replaced the wire of his secret taping system before anyone noticed.
Tossing out his 'Robert Downey, Jr.- 53 Million Hours of Community Service' doll, he rationalized "Blair's drug habit is a qualifying disability under the ADA...our hands are tied."
He added that college drop-outs should be nurtured, placing his 'Alec Baldwin, Citizen of France' doll next to Ginger, a fact not unnoticed by the 'Gay Ken' doll.

Thurston pulled a black briefcase marked 'The Real Evil Empire Collection' from under the table. He opened it to showcase his prized possessions: The 'Katherine Harris' & 'Tammy Faye Bakker'-'Fun With Make-up!' dolls.
"Jayson had those little shave bumps that black men get... Liberating the 'dermatologically-challenged' is the next great civil-rights frontier!," claimed the millionaire-editor.

"Why do your dolls always come in pairs of women, Thurston?" asked reporter Chris Hedges, contributing a pair of 'Boris & Natasha' pliable plastic toys to the pile, which now resembled the play room at a Red-Diaper Baby Day-Camp.

Thurston glared. "You try spending 7 years on an island with 'Lovey', while two young nymphettes are so near, yet just out of reach...Say...why are you here, Chris?" It cost Raines his 'Ethel & Julius Rosenberg' w/Electric Chair set. (batteries not included.)

"I'm here to talk about 'war' and 'empire'," said Hedges. In a stunning moment of deja vu, yet another group of listeners cut off his microphone and booed him from the gathering. "Blair was a nut-case," shouted Hedges, "his last mooring ropes snapped, a Lost Dutchman, adrift on a Journalistic Sea...I've got a 'Bill Clinton Terrorism Inaction Figure' ...please, let me stay..." The door slammed in his face.

"That was good," said Pinch, "and I never knew Jayson was Dutch. All the more reason to pity him," he said, parting with his stuffed Underdog doll, with whom he had slept since Wally Cox's early and tragic demise. "And let's not forget the orthodontically-challenged, either," remembering the endearing gap in Jayson's front teeth.

"At least Hedges didn't say 'The Minnow'," Thurston thought to himself-- he was not yet ready to share his inflatable 'Chirac' & "Saddam' dolls with the assembled Cream of Journalism. Not yet...not like this.

"I have a secret plan..." said Ambassador Tom Friedman. Sensing the impending appearance of a self-wetting Arafat doll, complete with baby-wipes, Pinch cut him off. That, and this piece having gone on too long already.

Just then, the intercom buzzed; "Mr. Sulzberger, I have two elderly white gentlemen with bad comb-overs in the lobby seeking employment; a Mr. Peter Arnettt and a Mr. Robert Fisk."

"Okay, Rigoberta; Give them some shoe polish and a rag and I'll be right out," said Pinch."I love this job," he thought, eyeing his already mirror-polished Gucci loafers.

"I already did, Mr. Sulzberger; but they thought it was blackface and started applying it," said Rigoberta.

"Good Lord! Get them out of the lobby right now!" screamed Pinch. "Thurston, we need more information to make a decision on Blair; put your best reporter on it...that Bragg fellow. I'm coming, Rigoberta!"

"Sorry, Chief. Rick Bragg is on assignment in...uhhh...Journistan!" said Thurston.

Johnny Apple, who had been asleep throughout the entire meeting suddenly awoke, wiped the drool from his chin and said "Naw, Thursty...we were all at Flanagan's Bar this morning, getting 'quagmired'...don't you remember?"

"Put a cork in it, Apple," yelled Thurston.

"I've got Fisk & Arnett doing Al Jolson impersonations in the lobby, The Post probably has photographers on the way and we're all out of dolls, people...this conversation's over!" said little Pinch, between cheek and gum.

And so it was. And everyone went their diverse ways. Problem solved.

The End.

My '43 Lincoln

Found a steel penny in my change the other day. (The copper went for shell casings that year.)

Last year, I found an 1869 3-cent piece in my change. I'm familiar with coins, but I had to look it up. It resembled a dime, so I guess it was used for one. A little blast from the Grant Administration.

When I was a kid(tm), we'd sometimes get buffalo nickels, Indian head pennies, Mercury dimes, the risque Standing Liberty Quarters. Even Barber dimes & quarters and the occasional 'V'-nickel. And those gorgeous half- and silver dollars.

Those coins (and stamps!) bespoke a more confident America.

A lot of today's stamps look like children's stickers. And they screwed up the Susan B. Anthony dollar. The pro-life suffragette deserved a coin, but it felt like a quarter...and they stuck a moon-landing scene on the back, which should have had it's own coin. Downsized & schizophrenic...the perfect 70's coin.

The gold-colored Sacagawea dollar looks like an arcade token. Sorry, but it does. I like the State quarters, though. Except the 'New Hampshire' quarter is going to look funny now that the Old Man of the Mountain has been replaced with Helen Thomas. It's cool.

Everyone will think it's Sitting Bull.

The State Dept. Departs from the Constitution

From the Washington Times:

"Walk the halls of the State Department's main offices in Washington these days, and you'll encounter an abundance of political cartoons — something you could not have found even three years ago. It's not that the diplomats at Foggy Bottom have suddenly developed a sense of humor, but rather a newfound contempt for the leader of the free world. The cartoons overwhelmingly lampoon President Bush as a simpleton who doesn't understand the "complexities" of the foreign policy."

That's insubordination. Not to mention tacky. But hardly the worst of it:

"On March 31, representatives of the North Korean government told State Department officials, for the first time, that they were reprocessing plutonium, a key step in developing nuclear weapons. The Pentagon and the White House did not learn of this stunning announcement until Pyongyang told them during previously scheduled talks with North Korea in China on April 18. The State Department intentionally withheld this vital piece of information, fearing that, if the White House knew, officials there might call off the meeting."

For two and a half weeks, State felt it had the right to deny information vital to this nation's security to the Commander-in-Chief, in order to promote it's own policy preference. That's criminally seditious. And meglomaniacal. It smacks of a coup.

These are the people who let the 9-11 terrorists write their own visas in crayon.

They've had their noses planted up Arafat's posterior for years, despite his having murdered Americans...including State Dept. employees!

They're just back from a tour of Nevada's brothels.

Someone needs to tell them they do not work for themselves... they work for the President. The President of the United States...not France.

If Gen. Powell's officers had pulled a stunt like that when he was in command, their asses would still be in Leavenworth.

A damned outrage.

(posted also at Command Post)

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Just finished

Donna Brazile & Timothy Bergreen's op-ed and Joe Klein's TIME piece, both giving advice on what Democrats need to do to win.

First, Mr. Bergreen & Ms. Brazille. She is noted for managing the Gore-Leiberman campaign, where she famously said "We can't let the white boys win." Congratulations, Donna...they didn't! ( Did she think she was working for Fat Albert & Joe Louis?). Mr. Bergreen was a Clinton appointee to the State Dept....a failed State Dept..

The gist of their article is that Democrats need to reclaim National Security as an issue and get serious about defending this country. Which is true. They cite FDR, Truman & JFK as models. They even mention Clinton in Kosovo and Gore's proposal during the campaign to spend 100 million more dollars on the military than Bush.

But money does not equal enthusiasm, seriousness or respect. We learn from "Dereliction of Duty" that Gore would perpetually give military officers vacant, if not hostile stares, as if they weren't even there. And Kosovo, while worthwhile, was never about defending America. I would add that Gore proposed tightening security precautions, but these were never implemented due to political correctness concerns.

And therein lie the Democrat problems with National Security. After 'Re-inventing Government' took 90% of it's cuts out of Defense, candidate Gore proposes more money. Whoopee. The real issues: A willingness to use the military only where it was not directly in our own interest, and that seen as a virtue. An unwillingness to implement common-sense approaches when they conflicted with liberal orthodoxy. And all this against a backdrop of slashing the size of the Armed Forces. To be fair, this was done with some Republican complicity.

Mr. Klein's article is reasonably balanced...for a 'mainstream media' let-me-help piece. He can't help but use 'swaggering', 'cowboy', 'stunts' and 'abandoned diplomacy' when referring to Pres. Bush.; ( It was the French who abandoned diplomacy for naked anti-American power-politics). But he takes some shots at Democrats as well. The opening has them bickering among themselves about who is more committed to 'gay marriage', while Pres. Bush lands on the carrier. His unflattering words for Dems: 'sterile', 'camouflage', 'disgraceful', and 'myopia'.

He says Clinton won because Clinton seemed 'moderate' and was more 'talented' than his opponents. But Clinton also won because he was, and is, a shameless demagogue; not just a liar, but pathologically incapable of telling the truth. It has it's advantages.

Klein notes that a Republican re-alignment is unlikely, given that the South already went Republican in '68. I disagree. I think there is more room in the tent. In fact, I think there may be a danger of the Republican Party becoming more liberal as new converts join on the basis of national security while still clinging to other liberal beliefs. The bottom line is that there will be no room for a debate on arts funding if there is another successful mass terror attack...and preventing such an event trumps the normal debate.

The left sees America as a malevolent place with some bright spots. Here on the right, we see America as a decent, good & even great country with some flaws. It is hard to defend that which one does not love. Johnny Cochran did it, but the phony lawyer-client hug upon the announcement of the verdict always gives the game away.

Klein's outline involves first: 'Recapturing the Flag', second: 'Losing the Frown' and third: 'Killing the Consultants'.

The first point we've covered. The second part bemoans the doom & gloomers; 'Bush wants to pave the planet, conquer the world, starve the children, bring back slavery, etc.'. But these lies are told for a reason; to expand the role of government. Klein also gets it wrong and insults conservatives by asking Democrats to embrace 'complexity', as if conservatives can't grasp complex ideas. In any event, the suicidal over-thinking by leftist academia proves that 'complexity' can also lead to moral blindness.

The third postulate, 'Killing the Consultants', is also good advice...and just as likely to be ignored. Polling and focus groups are usually the opposite of leadership...and are indispensible to a party that must disguise it's beliefs to survive.

He closes by saying that Republicans are about 'small government' and Democrats are "at their best, about serious government"...a debate worth having. Wrong again, Joe. Republicans, sadly, are about marginally smaller government. And Democrats are about serious government...seriously LARGE government, that is. Humongous government. Gargantu-government. Open All Night, serving Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner, 24/7 All-Government, All-the-Time- Government.

But they can't say so. And that makes debating a little harder. Advantage: Republicans.

While I do generally agree with these steps, I wish my former party no electoral success. Even if it adopted a strong defense policy for a change...and it would be a change...it's other policies undermine the civilization being defended.

So build your Better Democrat, Joe. But, as for me, no thanks. Never again.

Besides, there's already a Better Democrat;

They're called 'Republicans'.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

We Get Mail!

In response to our post of April 29, "See No Evil", a (Mr./Ms.?) "Lhoyd" writes (quoted in entirety): "f**in maggot" .

Dear Mr./Ms. Lhoyd,

Thank you for your penetrating critique of CIA agent Robert Baer's book, "See No Evil". We think you may be just a wee bit harsh in your criticism of Mr. Baer however.

As you point out, Seymour Hersh of the NYTimes was indeed a strange choice to write the forward, having supported many of the policies that Mr. Baer finds objectionable. And, while Mr. Baer thinks the Reagan team was only marginally better than the Clinton team, and both in the thrall of oil companies, it was amusing to read of the Clintonites being too busy pimping for EXXON to do their real job, i.e.; defending the United States of America.

Regardless of Mr. Baer's politics, he certainly qualifies as a patriot; a sentiment we're sure you'll heartily endorse. BTW, you'll be glad to know of the new intell agency created in the Dept. of Homeland Security. It co-ordinates intelligence data to avoid the 'smoke-stack' syndrome & turf wars that hindered us in the past from hunting down our enemies and choking the last gasps of life from their bleeding, limp and dying bodies. Ain't Progress grand?

If, on the off chance, your withering manifesto was directed at Sharp Knife, well, we are glad to have gotten under your skin. We even installed a CIA micro-chip while we were there. What's the frequency, Lhoyd?

However, we now feel the urgent need for a bath (a cleansing ritual involving water & soap...try it sometime!).

Should you feel the need in the future to excrapulate your deepest thoughts yet again, get yourself a weblog of your very own instead of merely leaving turds and an e-mail address on mine. I recommend the exciting, state-of-the-art web-logging technology offered by Blogspot. You deserve it, Mr./Ms. Lhoyd...trust me!

Once you master the intricacies of capitalization, punctuation and indoor plumbing, you'll be well on your way to having a web-log all of your friend will enjoy! And don't forget to install a comments section; it's a great way to interact with thoughtful readers and others such as yourself.

Best Wishes and you have yourself a great Memorial Day...a great time to remember those who gave their all so you could...uhhh...do whatever it is that you do. Besides excrete.

Give our regards to the rest of the Anally-Retained Community.

Your'n, Sharp Knife

P.S. Lhoyd, if by some unfortunate accident your comment was actually directed at the nearby Norman Mailer post, we will reconsider and concede for the record that you have indeed mastered indoor plumbing, although you may need some work on your aim. If so, let us know and we will happily delete this post and put this ugly, ugly incident behind us.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

You know it's coming... "T.A."!

"Hi, everyone. My name is Muhammed and I'm a terroholic."

(group): "Hi, Muhammed." "Welcome, Mo." "Salam, Muhammed!"

"When I first came to Terrorists Anonymous, I thought 'These people are all crazy...what am I doing here?'. Then I realized 'It's not a bug...it's a feature!'.(laughter). So I worked the program and tonight, I'm glad to say that I have 30 days of continuous non-explosivity!" (applause!)

"It started for me in the usual way...recruiting a frog, taping a firecracker to his stomach with a band-aid and sending him to the lily-pad bus-stop with promises of 72 tad-poles awaiting him in the Big Pond in the Sky."

"One festive Ramadan Eve when I was 7 years old, I wrote a letter to the editor of the Mecca Times ('Where The Time is Always the 7th Century!'), prompting the famous reply: 'Yes, Muhammed; There is a Virgins Clause!'."

"As I grew older, I began to look at Islama-porn; SLAYGOY Magazine, HAMMUSTLER, CAVEHOUSE...'Dear Cavehouse, I was minding my own business, surveilling Embassy Row in Canberra, when I spotted a lovely lass. Her name was Margo and...'... nevermind. I spent endless hours in the bathroom with transcripts of Arafat's speeches, CAIR press releases stuffed under the mattress...you know the scenario." (heads nod knowingly).

"After doing some bit parts in snuff films in Karachi, I found myself in the caves of Afghanistan with the kingpin Himself. It was my job to wash Usama's underwear. The dirty little secret is, though, he didn't WEAR underwear!
Yes, I had reached bottom."

"Anyway, I'd like to thank my sponsor. (looks of alarm in the audience!)...No, not the Saudi Royal family!...my NEW sponsor, 'Khalid'. (sighs of relief). Thanks, Khalid. I know I scared you when I rigged the coffee pot with a little thermite and a timer to make the coffee hot and prompt for the next night's meeting!"

"And I'd like to thank my Higher Power. Always willing to meet me more than half-way, never judging me, always there when I needed a friend...Thanks, Kofi."

"We are so lucky to live in a time when medical authorities recognize the illness of terrorism as a treatable disease. So addicts like us don't end up in a qatar somewhere."

"And we should thank those who cared enough about us to stage an intervention and get us into treatment here at the Betty Ford-Guantanamo Campus...The U.S. Marines! Thanks for caring, Marines! Goodnight, everybody...and remember...

'One Century at a Time!' "

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy." - W. C. Fields

Cuban sympathizer

Steve H. has several great posts on what I agree is the funniest story out there; the fugitive Democrats of Texas.

Hide the children and latch the windows, Oklahomans!

Special Thanks

to those who have served or are about to serve in Afghanistan.

We haven't forgotten about you.

Thanks for your dedication, professionalism and service.

You rock!

Thurston Howell Raines III of the Fourth Estate takes the Fifth:

Melissa Block of NPR's "Some Things Considered": “Mr. Raines, you spoke to a convention of the National Association of Black Journalists in 2001, and you specifically mentioned Jayson Blair as an example of the Times spotting and hiring the best and brightest reporters on their way up. You said, 'This campaign has made our staff better and, more importantly, more diverse.' And I wonder now, looking back, if you see this as something of a cautionary tale, that maybe Jayson Blair was given less scrutiny or more of a pass on the corrections to his stories that you had to print because the paper had an interest in cultivating a young, black reporter.”

Raines: “No, I do not see it as illustrating that point. I see it as illustrating a tragedy for Jayson Blair, that here was a person who under the conditions in which other journalists perform adequately decided to fabricate information and mislead colleagues. And it is--you know, I don't want to demonize Jayson, but this is a tragedy of failure on his part.”

No intellectual honesty to see here, folks...move along.

This summarizes everything that is wrong with both "Affirmative Action" and modern Journalism in one fell swoop. The unofficial head of the Guilty White Editors Association addresses the Black Journalists Association, holds up a black reporter as a talisman of the editor's racial bona fides, calling the reporter in effect "a credit to his race". Then the editor keeps and even promotes the reporter after it is known the reporter is a ethical loose cannon. And fails to see the implications, obvious even to an NPR reporter.

The Times does some excellent reporting when they choose not to put opinions in their news stories and invent facts to support their editorial positions. 'when'.

This episode has been described as "a low point" in the history of the Times by 'Pinch' Sulzberger, Jr., the true author of the Times' 'diversity' mania. When not busy with ending the most brutal, soul-searing injustice of our Age, i.e.; the lack of women members at a golf club, the Times has managed to pull off quite a few other "low points":

The award-winning denial of Stalin's mass-murders in the 30's, downplaying the Holocaust during WW II, accusing the American military of using chemical weapons in Korea, publishing secret documents during Vietnam, opposing Reagan's successful battle with the 'Evil Empire' while sucking up to Castro & Ortega, opposing the Battle of Iraq; all-in-all, an impressive human rights record...if the 'human' in question is a dictator.

In fairness, we should point out what is probably the 'high point' of the Times public policy advocacy:

It was a hot summer day back in the 60's. There was more than a hint of revolution & class warfare in the air. Rioting anti-war mobs protesting the draft shut down the city. When sniper fire rang out in Gramercy Park, the "Citadel of Power", the editor of the Times went to his rooftop and fired his assault weapon into the crowd.

It was a Gatling gun, actually. And it was the 60's...the 1860's, long before the Times became permanently anti-war, anti-gun & pro-class envy.

But it was at least intellectually honest.

(Thanks, Times Watch!)

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Sic Simpering Tyrannosaurus West Virginius

Sen. Robert Byrd took to the floor of the Senate today to lambaste Pres. Bush's carrier landing.

The senior Senator from the 'Robert C. Byrd Memorial State of West Virginia' appeared in full Roman regalia, including a toga, sandals and a laurel wreath. At his side was a young boy dressed in a matching outfit, whose neck the Senator would rub after making each strenuous point. The boy's eyes seemed to search the chamber nervously. Sen. Byrdius spoke for hours in what was believed to be Latin, though no one knew for sure, due to years of massive Federal education spending :

"We have been in the ancient land of Babylon for weeks now. Has any Iraqi performance artist yet been issued a NEA grant and specimen jar? Where are the federally-funded tattoo-removal programs and midnight basketball games we promised the hard-working coal-miners of Iraq? We can't afford them...because the President spent all the money on flying a jet. The extravagance! This was totally unnecessary...unlike, say, sending John Glenn back into space," claimed the Senator, playfully rubbing the child's neck.

"Why, I recall when MacArthur had that signing ceremoney on the USS Missouri; I thought "Hey! All you sailors sitting on the guns: get back to work! Don't you people have a deck to swab or something? We can't have Federal employees just sitting around!" exhorted Byrdius, now rubbing the child's neck so hard that blisters were beginning to form.

"This outrage has forced me to take time away from my life's work, my crowning achievement; translating the entire I.R.S. code into the original Greek. I'm already on page 1. Everyone knows Presidents are supposed to land at LAX and sit on the runway for hours while recieving a 300 dollar haircut, not land on an aircraft carrier...and why was that carrier named for that old rogue Abe Lincoln, anyway?" asked the former Klansman. The boy was now crying.

"Our good friends & allies, the Gauls, have an aircraft carrier. Bush could have landed on their aircraft carrier to show how much we appreciate France's loyal support during this war. Yet another missed diplomatic opportunity!" exclaimed Byrd.

With this, Sen. John F. Kerredy, the anti-war-war-veteran-who-voted-for-the war-but-really-opposes-the-war jumped to his feet, yelling "Oui! Oui! Bravo, Bravo!...say, did I mention I served in Vietnam?" The toga-boy was clinging desperately to Kerredy's pant-leg, openly sobbing, pleading for rescue. In what seemed to be a well-practiced move, Kerredy shook the boy off his leg as one would a street ragamuffin, and bounded in front of the microphone with a single motion. He began to address the Senate. in French.

The sergeants-at-arms, normally assigned to guard the bottles of scotch in Ted Kennedy's desk and keep the female pages dressed, struggled to remove Byrd from the floor. Byrd broke free, grabbed his toga-boy and escaped through his secret tunnel, one of the many abandoned coal shafts beneath the Capitol. They emerged in the Senate parking lot, and were last seen fleeing down Pennsylvannia Ave. in an oversized chariot, thus contributing to global warming.

Byrdius is believed to have fled to his full-size replica of the Coliseum, the centerpiece of his Federally-funded 'Roman Holiday' theme park, located on the togaskirts of Wheeling, or rather, the 'Robert C. Byrd Memorial City of Wheeling'. Or possibly to Plato's Retreat.

The Senate guards then confiscated the C-SPAN cameras and film, citing "the people's right to knoweth notteth" or something. Spectators were unsure what was actually said, as it was spoken in Latin.

Unseemly byrd-Latin.

57 Varieties of Prenup Stutter

Teresa Heinz Kerrey on John Kerry's financial trustworthiness:

"Everybody has a prenup. You have to have a prenup. You've got to have a prenup. You could be as generous or as sensitive as you want. But you have to have a prenup."

I know how you feel, lady.

I don't trust him with my money either.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

"In the fight between you and the world, back the world." -Frank Zappa

But in the fight between the 'world' and the United States, back the United States.

Top Gun Top Ten

Before the Bush carrier landing fades away and I don't get a chance to use these jokes, we present our Top Ten reasons why Bill Clinton, famous for taking both sides of an issue, should or should not have done his own carrier landing.

1. Should: Focus groups, who picked my pet (dog), breed of dog (chocolate lab) & name of pet (Buddy,R.I.P.), put this one off the charts.

2. Should not: Hillary would land on ME when I got home from my 'Dukakis Moment'.

3. Should: My chance to defect to Cuba!

4. Should not: I could never be sure the pilot wouldn't eject.

5. Should: This might convince a judge I really AM covered by 'The Soldiers & Sailors Relief Act', giving me immunity from lawsuits.

6. Should not: "Tailhook Bill".

7. Should: I could strafe Bill Buckley's sailboat.

8. Should not: The carrier might sail away.

9. Should: My case officer in Beijing will want to debrief me.

And the final and deciding reason;

10. Should not: Hey! There's no stewardesses on these planes!

Other Birthday News & suits,

David Warren turns 50 also.

Bob Hope turns 50...again.

and Bill Clinton is now 15.

Happy Birthday to all!

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Jaques Chirac

took time off from giving passports to Ba'ath party officials in order to wish Tony Blair a happy 50th birthday.

He sent Mr. Blair a half-a-case of french wine. It was supposed to be a whole case, but Chirac had breakfast.

He MUST be drunk.

Friday, May 02, 2003

"With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plea; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost." -William Lloyd Garrison

Thursday, May 01, 2003

The Write-man's Ego

They don't come much kookier than Norman Mailer.

Except Gore Vidal.

Norm seems to think the war is about the 'White Man's Ego'. Yes, we went to Iraq because there aren't enough white basketball players, says Norm. This is one of his favorite themes . It echoes his tract, "The White Negro", in which Norman claimed black people were lazy, drunken, jazz-playing alleycats...and these traits, according to Norm, should be adopted by really smart white guys...guys like Norman Mailer! Talk about the 'White Man's Ego'!

Listen, deviant-from-the-Norm; if you want to act like white trash, don't blame it on black folks, you racist hack.

Norm goes on to say that he knows what the President is going to say before he says it, just like his annoying ex-wife. Which ex-wife, Norm? You've had 6 of them. Now THERE'S the mark of a serious person. You're about as serious as the aging Jr. High Prom Queen (3rd runner-up!) Maureen Dowd (or Mohaireen al Dhowdi, as she will henceforward be known here, that is, if I can bring myself to mention her again at all). The two are quite similar; the graying hairs, the ever-present hint of scotch lingering on the breath, the involuntary Bush-hating reflex, the permanent 5 o'clock shadow...except Norman has larger breasts than Mohaireen. Okay; much larger.

The last time someone in authority took you seriously was when a foolish judge released a murderer because you liked the commie screed the career criminal had written. 6 weeks later, the killer (surprise, surprise!) killed again, stabbing a waiter to death. You lamented the loss...of the murderer, you self-centered prick.

You even had the balls to call it "unfortunate". Isn't that a little imprecise for such a learned man of letters? 'Unfortunate' implies it was a whim of fortune, not a result of your glorification of a cold-blooded killer. You were the killer's champion, leading the charge to have him released. Take the 'credit', Norm; don't leave your glory to mere 'fortune'.

Tell "The Naked & the Dead" in Baghdad this war is all about conspiracies and basketball. You already told the families of the people who died at the WTC that the buildings were "2 buck teeth on the face of New York". Muhammed Atta...Orthodontist?

While you are in London, maybe you could give George Galloway a little help with his memoirs; the last chapters surely need a little polishing. Like the dictator's boots, you lickspittle literati.

There's no fool like an old fool.

And there's no old fool like Norman Mailer.

Except Gore Vidal.

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